7.12.02 - Communication Problems

Since I was lazy yesterday, you get two updates today.  Two!  See, I work for my readers.

Well, I worked for a reader, literally, this week.  A while back, this guy Josh, who reads NMD, said if I ever needed a couple days of employment, he'd put me to work at his office in San Francisco.  So, as I've been sitting around unemployed for a couple of months, I agreed to come in and do some filing and bookkeeping for him.  Which leads us to:

Update One!

Why Josh himself would agree to this is unknown.  Like I said, he's read my site.  I mean, would you hire me?  I'm awful!  I goof off and screw up constantly.  I steal things and slack off and have made veteran CPAs weep like infants at my shoddy bookkeeping.

Still, a loyal reader was trusting me to do a good job, and I was filled with determination to do just that, a deep, strong, steely determination that lasted well into the first hour I was there.  Then I just started cramming papers into random folders and writing checks to myself.

Ha ha!  No, I'm doing a very good job, and I'm not just saying that because I'm going back to work there on Monday.  I'm also saying that because he hasn't paid me for Wednesday and Thursday yet.

Anyway, as I said, I pretty much have been sitting by the phone for about two months, waiting for my temp agencies to come up with something.  So, naturally, it's during my first day at JoshCo. that they finally call me.  I was in the middle of freeloading a lunch off the Joshster when my cellphone rang.  

Personally, I hate people who talk on cellphones at restaurants, and Josh does too, I think, because when I answered the phone, he stared at me as if I were some yuppie slime, which I kinda felt like, except for the fact that I don't own an SUV and I made some attempt to keep my voice low.

My agent said a client wanted to interview me over the phone for a position, and could I take down their number and give them a call?  Right now?

Well, no.  I couldn't.  First of all, I didn't have a pen, and second of all, it would seem a little cheesy to conduct an interview while a guy who was nice enough to hire me was being nice enough to pay for my lunch.

I also didn't want to tell my agency that I was working, because I was supposed to be available to them.  So, the conversation went like this:

Them:  "Can you take down the number and call them?"

Me:  "Um, no... I can't, I'm in a restaurant.  I don't have a pen."

Them:  "Well... they're very interested in you, and they like your resume, so you should call them and interview as soon as possible."

Me:  "Ah, well, can you e-mail me the number?"

Them:  "You don't have a pen?"

Me:  "No, I'm in a restaurant.  Having lunch. Without a pen."

Them:  "Can you go inside and get a pen?"

Me:  "I'm... in... a restaurant.  But if you e-mail me the number..."

And so it went, me being evasive and them being stupid.  Eventually, we agreed that I would call them (the agency) when I had a pen, and get the number, since e-mailing me with the number was simply outside the realm of possibility for some reason, possibly a reason hearkening back to them being stupid.

Of course, I was still in a bit of predicament.  I was going to be working the rest of the day at JoshCo., but I did need to at least talk to the client and arrange an interview time.  Soon.  So, on my next break, I dashed out of Josh's building, not wanting to interview while I was on the clock, at least not while Josh was sitting there, wondering why he was paying me to get interviewed.

Once on the street, I realized something.  I still didn't have a pen.  Boy, I was really doing well under pressure!  I ran across the street and into a local business, where I finagled a pen and paper out of them, and returned to the street to call my agency and get the number.

By this time, I had about 4 minutes left on my break, not that I really thought Josh was counting, as our whole setup had been pretty informal to this point.  Still, the last phone interview I conducted took about forty minutes, and I figured I probably shouldn't be gone quite that long.  It might give Josh enough time to realize that I'd been avoiding all the filing by simply tearing up and swallowing vast amounts of paperwork.

Luckily, when I called the client, I got the machine and left a message, saying that I'd be available to interview either very early Thursday morning, or anytime on Friday (I wasn't working for JoshCo. on Friday.)

There was a message from the client, a woman named Cathy, on my cellphone after work.  She'd be happy to talk to me Thursday morning, she said.  I didn't have to report to JoshCo. until 10:00am, so I figured if I got into the city by 9:00, I could find a quiet spot somewhere and conduct my phone interview, and still make it to work on time.  Of course, I slept late and only got into the city around 9:30, not that it mattered, since when I called Cathy, she wasn't there.  So, I left a message for her.  Again.

Noon rolls around, Josh leaves for an appointment, and I grab my cellphone, to find that Cathy has left me another message, saying sorry she missed me, but that she'd be free to talk anytime after 10:30.  This is getting annoying.  I haul myself outside, not really wanting to give an interview on the street, especially due to all the bus traffic and, oh yeah, the motorcycle dealership nearby.  It's a tad noisy.  But my cellphone gets crummy reception in Josh's office, so I don't have a whole lot of choice.  I call Cathy, who of course is not there, and leave a message over the din of a schmuck who is actually doing a WHEELIE down the street on his motorcycle.

I mean, really.  Aren't we over wheelies by now?  We've all seen them and we're very impressed.

Josh is due back at 2:00pm, so I have a quick lunch, and I'm back upstairs by about 12:45pm.  I had told Cathy's answering machine that I'd call her back around 1:15, which I am regretting, because since I can't interview while in Josh's office due to the poor reception, I also can't wander somewhere outside and away from the noisy street, because Josh left his keys with me and he can't get back in the building unless I'm there to let him in.  Cripes.

I finally decide to do my interview in a stairwell near the lobby of the building, where it's sort of quiet and the reception isn't altogether that bad.

I call Cathy.  And she's there!  And... she doesn't want to interview me.

Cathy:  "Oh, I didn't want to interview you."  

Me:  "Oh.  Um... no?"

Cathy:  "The job is yours, I just wanted to see if you had any questions about it."

So, I start a six-week temp assignment on Tuesday.  Huzzah!  I am hopeful it will be a good position, although I'm a little worried.  I mean, in every message I left for Cathy, I mentioned the fact that I was available to be interviewed.  And in every message she left me, she never once pointed out that I already had the job.  

A good start?  No.  But at least it's a start, and I can stop selling plasma.  Josh, the nice guy that he is, has already bought a few pints, but I think he just dumps them when I'm not looking.

Also, I turn 30 today, which leads us to:

Update Two!

Eep.

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

7.10.02 - Click Click

Just to clarify something, since there was a little confusion:

Quite a few people seemed to think that thangle created the actual NMD webcomics I posted yesterday.  Not to take anything away from the lovely and talented thang, for the idea that I should create an NMD webcomic was hers, and a good idea it was, but I did the actual "drawing" of the "art" and "writing" of the "jokes."

Anyway, thanks again for a great idea, thangle!

Also.  Well.

I kind of really enjoyed doing my comic strip.  So I did some more.  Seven more, in fact.  This isn't going to replace my regular "content" or anything, I'm just kind of having fun doing them, so I did some more.  And I may continue to post a few a week, if it keeps my interest, which, considering my track record with keeping up on features, is fairly unlikely.

Anyway, here they are!  (They're not on a page, just hit "back" on your browser after reading each one.)

Comic #8

Comic #9

Comic #10

Comic #11

Comic #12

Comic #13

Comic #14 (Double-sized!)

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

7.9.02 - What If... (con't)

A couple weeks ago, I did a "What If..." feature for NMD, showing what the site might look like if it were a community weblog, a personal vanity site, a music sharing site, or heaven forbid, it had never existed.

Today, I'm throwing another one your way, courtesy of an idea NMD board member thangle thought up!  Thanks, thangle!

What if Not My Desk wuz a (choke) web-comic?

Seven whole comic strips to read!  Whoopee!  Seeya tomorrow!

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

7.8.02 - Snap Crackle KERFLOOM

Secondly, thanks to everyone who sent me e-mail gently inquiring if I was dead or what.  I do appreciate it, and I am not dead.  Not anymore.

Thirdly, if you're wondering why there's no "Firstly", you must be new here.  Because at Not My Desk, we don't bother with that of "Firstly" crap!  We're just that damn bonkers insane!

People have also been asking how my job hunt is going, and it's been going pretty poorly.  I've had several interviews, good interviews even, and those who have interviewed me have been nice enough to let me know almost immediately that there is no way in hell they'd ever hire me if I were the last man on earth who understood how to use a header source for a mail merge in Microsoft Word.

Not that I know how to use a header source for a mail merge in Microsoft Word, mind you.  Haven't the foggiest.  But screw 'em!  I'm getting hired somewhere, whether they like it or not!  Fight the power!

Anyway.  When I was a kid, there were always rumors about common products floating around.  You probably heard some of them:  Coca-Cola once contained cocaine (true), M&M's green (or red) dye was an aphrodisiac (not true).  Things of this nature.

But the biggest rumor of all was that Mikey, the kid from the Life Cereal commercials, was dead.  He had swallowed a pack of "Pop-Rocks", chugged a soda, and exploded.  We believed this.  Unquestioningly.  Pop-Rocks were damn volatile, and when mixed with the unforgiving carbonation of a soda drink, well, it didn't take a fake rocket scientist to explain the made-up physics.  Mikey was a star; he lived fast, died young, and left a good looking corpse.  Scattered over a wide area, it seemed.  It was all perfectly sound.

This did not stop us from eating Pop-Rocks and drinking soda simultaneously, of course, but we were careful not to make the fatal mistake Mikey did.  We'd put the Pop-Rocks in our mouth, slurp up some soda, and stand there foaming and drooling and laughing as cola got on our shirts and Pop-Rocks ricocheted off our teeth.  We'd swallow eventually, but only after the violent sodapoprockery had declined to acceptable levels.

Mikey, as it turned out later, was actually alive and well, and even appeared on the Life Cereal box as an adult, if memory serves.  (Although I've also heard that was someone else.  Sigh.)  But all throughout my childhood, he was there as a warning that simple, everyday products could kill you.

So, what other product rumors involving death have there been that you may not have heard about?  Well, I'm glad I pretended you asked!

The "fever for the flavor of Pringles" was more than just an ad campaign.  Known as the Tuskegee Chipalicious Experiment, civilians were told they were being treated for the fever of the flavor of Pringles while secretly being denied the antidote.  They became suspicious however, because once they popped, they simply could not stop.  Forty-six men and women died extremely light, crispy, non-greasy deaths before the public found out (false!).

We all know the joke about Grape Nuts, being neither grapes nor nuts... but did you know they could KILL YOU?  They can, if packed into a large ball and dropped on you from a great height (true!).

When squeezed from its tube, Aqua Fresh toothpaste came out with a stripe.  However, there was a special way to squeeze the tube, which would cause only one color to come out.  If you then brushed your teeth with just this one color, a man would break into the bathroom and beat you to death with an oar (undetermined!).

The Sports Illustrated Football phone (the phone that looked like a phone would look if someone tried to make it look like a football) was actually used during a football game to place a football-related phone call to a man named Bill Foot in the town of Ball, Michigan, who had just dropped a ball on his foot during a costume ball where he was dressed up as a football player!  He later drowned (true!).

Chex Party Mix is a tasty combination of pretzels, nuts, Corn Chex, Rice Chex, Wheat Chex, Nut Chex, Maize Chex, Grape Chex, Tofu Chex, Marrow Chex, Sunny-D Chex, Soylent Green Chex, and more than one hundred different other kind of Chex.  But back when it first hit the scene in the 1950's, it contained a deadly ingredient that has since been removed: POISONED FISHHOOKS (false!).

If you fart, sneeze, burp, and hiccup at the same time, you will die, provided you have also been savagely bludgeoned with a George Foreman Grill (true!).

Drinking Pepsi can kill you (false!).  Also, Pepsi is a carbonated beverage that you can enjoy (false!).

Okay, so.  It might take me a few days to get back up to speed with the humor.  Okay??  LAY OFF!!

Hoo, Diversions.  We've got Battleships, which is like Battleship, only with an S.  We've got TextTwist, which twists text, and we've got Create Your Own Terror Warning, which does the thing you think it does.  Any questions?  Please see the links on the lefthand sidebar.

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

Last Week on Not My Desk!