In the Kitchen With Chris

(What follows is a written transcript from the popular cooking show, "The Temporary Chef," which airs Sundays on The Food Network.)

INT: Tiny, cramped, messy kitchen.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  It's Sunday afternoon at 2:38pm, and that means it's time for...

AUDIENCE: (silence)

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  That's right!  It's time to cook breakfast with Chef Chris!

CHEF CHRIS, BLINKING, SHUFFLES INTO THE KITCHEN, WEARING BAGGY PAJAMA BOTTOMS AND AN OPEN BATHROBE, A CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HIS LIPS. HIS HAIR IS A MESS AND HE IS UNSHAVEN. HE SQUINTS AROUND UNCERTAINLY.

Chef Chris:  Whut.  Uh.  (coughs)  Uh.  Uh.  (muttering) Where the (bleep) are my (bleep)ing glasses... (bleep).  (coughs) (scratches butt)

AUDIENCE: (scattered, hesitant applause)

Chef Chris:  (bleep).  Oh, uh, right.  Breakfast.  Okay.  Umm... lessee what we've got in the fridge.  Looks like I got... eggs... bacon... and bread.  Man, how long has that milk been in there? (coughs)  Okay, I guess I could make a (bleep)ing omelette and bacon and uh... whadyacallit.  Toast.  And coffee, (bleep), I need some (bleep)ing coffee.

CHEF CHRIS STARTS COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND STAGGERS OVER TO THE STOVE.  HE TURNS ON ONE OF THE BURNERS AND LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE WITH THE OPEN FLAME.

Chef Chris:  Okay.  (another coughing fit).  Okay.  Hi.  Okay.  So, we'll start the bacon first, since I think that takes longest.  And you'll see I have two frying pans here, one big and one kinda small, and they're both... mostly clean.  So, we'll turn on the burners under them... nope, wrong ones... okay.  Now, we'll open the package of bacon.  Remember, when you buy bacon, buy high quality bacon.  If you go to some cheap (bleep)ing grocery store, they'll have cheap  bacon that is mostly fat, like this bacon is.  So, buy better bacon than I do, because this bacon is almost entirely white.  Okay, I'm cutting the package open with, ah... this knife, and now I'm peeling some slabs of bacon off, and they're kind of ripping because they're all stuck together.  And I've got (bleep)ing bacon fat all over my hands now.  Great.  Great start.  Where are my (bleep)ing glasses?

CHEF CHRIS DROPS THREE FATTY STRIPS OF BACON INTO THE SMALLER FRYING PAN AND THEY START SIZZLING.

Chef Chris:  That looks gross.  And they don't really fit in the pan.  Okay, let's see.  I guess we'll break the eggs into a bowl... a bowl.  Um... I don't have a clean bowl.  But I have a measuring cup, we'll use that.

CHEF CHRIS BREAKS THREE EGGS INTO A MEASURING CUP AND STIRS THEM WITH A FORK.

Chef Chris:  I think you're supposed to add some water to make them fluffy, but I dunno.  I guess I'll do that.  Oh, I need to start the coffee, too.  Oh, and (bleep), I gotta butter the other pan.  Do I have butter?  I don't think I have butter.  Oh, there's a tiny sliver.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS THE TINY SLIVER OF BUTTER IN THE LARGE PAN AND SLIDES IT AROUND WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.

Chef Chris:  Okay, that's all the butter.  I don't, uh, I don't know what will go on the toast.  Maybe some jelly, although I think it's pretty old.  Anyway, we'll pour the eggs into the big pan now, and when you do this, make sure you don't spill a bunch of it over the stove like I just did.  And don't have a couple bags of old clothes piled up in front of the stove because you keep forgetting to drop them off at Goodwill.  Because then it's hard to reach the stove, and you have to lean way over and you spill your eggs all over the (bleep)ing place. Also, I don't think the bacon is cooking right, because the pan is too small and the ends are sticking out.  So, I'm just gonna cut them in half with... where'd I put that knife... okay, a different knife... while they're frying and OW!  OW AGHHH OW (bleep) OW!

THE BACON IS SIZZLING AND SPITTING.

Chef Chris:  OW!  MOTHER(bleep)ING (bleep) (bleep)ING (bleep)!  HOLY (bleep) (bleep)ING H. (bleep) ON A TREADMILL!  (bleep)! Okay, here's a tip, don't cook bacon with an open robe or you get boiling fat splattered all over your (bleep)ing stomach.  (bleep).  Okay, I'm turning down the heat on the stupid bacon.  Agh, the coffee, I have to get that started.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS COFFEE AND WATER INTO THE COFFEE MAKER.

Chef Chris:  Okay, we've got that.. oh, (bleep), the (bleep)ing eggs are boiling!  What the hell.  Ach, I turned up the heat on the eggs instead of turning down the heat on the bacon.  Okay, I need a spatula... a spatula... ah, who am I kidding.

CHEF CHRIS USES THE HANDLE OF A MEAT-TENDERIZER TO UNSUCCESSFULLY FLIP THE EGGS AROUND A LITTLE.

Chef Chris:  I gotta add something to the omelette.  Some things are good to add, like ham, cheese, uh, mushrooms, stuff like that, which I have none of.  Mushrooms are gross anyway.  Um, (bleep), the stupid eggs are all in pieces so I'll just make them scrambled.  Whatever.  I guess I should start the toast now.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS TWO PIECES OF TOAST IN THE TOASTER.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Um... Chris?

Chef Chris:  Okay. Okay.  Now, uh...

ANNOUNCER V.O.: You might want to do something about the bacon there.

Chef Chris:  Shut up, (bleep)face.  I see it.  The bacon is spraying fat all over the place, so... I think I'll drain it.  Draining is a big part of cooking, or something.  Now, you can't just pour fat down the drain, you have to pour it in a can or something.  I don't know why, but you do.  So, OW!  OW (bleep)ing (bleep).  Okay, I don't have a can, so I'll hold the bacon with... where's my fork... okay, another fork, and pour the grease into this coffee cup.  Swell.  Okay, the bacon is back on the stove, and the eggs are kinda burning, so I'll stir them a little with... (bleep), I just had a fork, what did I do with it?  I just (bleep)ing had it.  Okay, a new fork.  I've used like 500 utensils already and I don't know where I keep (bleep)ing putting them.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  The toast should be done.

Chef Chris:  Dude, shut up.  I know.  The toast should be d-- ah, the toaster wasn't even plugged in.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: (bleep).

Chef Chris:  (bleep).

AUDIENCE:  (bleep)ing (bleep).

Chef Chris:  Ah, so, we'll just have regular bread.  Is there any butter left at all?  Okay, I'll use jelly.  There's only a tiny bit way down the bottom of the jar, so I'll use yet another stupid (bleep)ing knife to get it out.

AUDIENCE:  (coughing)

Chef Chris:  The (bleep)ing bacon is burning.  (coughing) And the eggs are burning.  (bleep).  I'm, uh, turning all the burners off.  Oop, wrong knobs again.  Okay, heat is off, and I've opened a window.  (bleep), the whole place is filled with smoke, great.  Uh, I'm going to... spread jelly on the toast.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Bread.

Chef Chris:  Bread, whatever.  This is a good time to mention that counter-space is important in any good kitchen, which is why this kitchen sucks and why I'm having to spread jelly on my bread on the window sill.  Gah, why does everything have to finish at the same time?  Eggs and bacon are done and the coffee is done.  I'm going to pour my coffee, now, ah, (bleep)!  Forgot I'd poured bacon fat into that coffee cup.  Okay, here's another cup.  

ANNOUNCER V.O.: That's a wine glass.

Chef Chris:  Do you want to do this?  Do I come into your announcer's booth and tell you how to do your job?  Shut up.  Now, some sugar.  Some... huh.  I bought the wrong kind of sugar.  This is confectioner's sugar.  Well, that's great.  Why don't they (bleep)ing make the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing boxes look (bleep)ing different, those (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep)s?!?  Well, it's still sugar, how bad can it taste, anyway.  Whatever.  I'll stir it with a spoon... or, no, no clean spoons.  I'll just use another knife, why not?  Okay, the food.  Um, I don't have a plate... a plate... okay, here's a lid to the frying pan, I'll eat out of that.

AUDIENCE:  Are--

Chef Chris:  Don't start.  Don't even (bleep)ing start with me, audience.  Don't.  If I want to eat out of a (bleep)ing frying pan lid I'm gonna.  Okay, I'm dumping the eggs in, and using the four-hundred and sixty-(bleep)ing-seventh clean fork in a row, and getting the bacon.  Wait, I'm supposed to wipe the grease off with a paper towel or something.  Do I have paper towels?  Oh, screw it.  Okay, I-- ew! Ew!  Ew!  Ewwww!

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  What?  What?

Chef Chris:  I dropped some egg on the floor and I just stepped on it with my bare foot.  Ugh, (bleep), that's gross.

AUDIENCE:  What a pig.  This is pathetic.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Can we wrap this up?  Please?

Chef Chris:  Yeah.  Okay, see?  Here is... the.  The meal.  And, um, you, too, can make this.  At home.

CHEF CHRIS HOLDS HIS FRYING PAN LID UP TO CAMERA, SHOWING THE BURNED, DRIED OUT SCRAMBLED EGGS, THE GREASE-SOAKED FATTY BACON, AND MUSHY UN-TOASTED BREAD SMEARED WITH CHUNKS OF OLD JELLY OF AN UNDETERMINED FLAVOR.  HE ALSO HOLDS UP HIS WINE GLASS FILLED WITH COFFEE AND CONFECTIONER'S SUGAR.

Chef Chris:  So, there it is.  This is why I don't ever do this.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Just do your tagline, jackass.

Chef Chris:  I have a (bleep)ing tagline?

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Yes.  Don't you remember it?

Chef Chris:  Dude, I've got egg on my foot and the kitchen is filled with smoke.  It's gonna smell like bacon in here for months.  You do the damn tagline.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Fine.  That's it for the Temporary Chef, folks, and always remember, that, uh... (bleep).  What is the tagline, anyway?

AUDIENCE:  (bleep) this.  We're outta here.  (leaves)

ANNOUNCER V.O.: No, wait, I... I remember, it's uh...

Chef Chris:  Do I actually have to eat this (bleep)?

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Yes.

Chef Chris:  Fine.  (bleep).  (bleep).  (bleep).

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  What now?

Chef Chris:  Um.  I'm out of forks.