5.24.02 - Before I Was a Temp...

...I was a temp.  Funny how I just realized that.

For about five years in the mid 1990's, I worked in television.  Children's television, if you can believe that.  I worked for Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando, Florida, and I was freelance the entire time.  Man.  I guess impermanence is just in my blood.

Perhaps the oddest job I ever had in television was that of the "Continuity Person."  I think most people know what "continuity" means in relation to film and TV, but I'll explain just in case.  Say you're watching a film or TV show and you notice, for example, in a scene in a restaurant, that someone's glass is empty.  And they cut away to someone else, and when they cut back, the glass is full again.  That means the continuity person screwed up.  Or, more likely, it means the actor screwed up by drinking his prop, and the continuity person didn't notice.  Or even more likely, the actor screwed up, the continuity person did notice, but the production was behind schedule and the director didn't care and they went ahead and moved on to the next scene.  Then again, the whole thing could have been perfect and they just hacked something out or rearranged it in the editing room.  Not that I blame the editor.

The continuity person is there to make sure everything stays the same from take to take, so when the film or show is edited, everything will match.  Thus, the actor and director are the greatest enemies of the continuity person, because the actor is an idiot who messes with things between takes and the director is an idiot who is behind schedule and figures no one will notice the error.

Continuity entails watching everything.  Absolutely everything.  Which is impossible.  I tried tackling it a thousand different ways.  I made lists of possible trouble spots for each scene during rehearsal.  What major props might be disturbed?  What marks had to be hit?  Where were lines going to be delivered from?  Were things being carried around?  Were jackets or hats being put on or removed?  Were sofa cushions being displaced?  Dishes being moved?  Forks being lifted?  Glasses being filled?

This was all pointless, because it doesn't really matter what happens in rehearsal.  All that matters is what happens when the scene is being shot, and when we actually shot the scene, I couldn't take notes, because I couldn't look down at my notebook, because if I did, I would miss something on the screen.  So I just had to remember.  Everything.

One show I worked on, a sitcom, if it can be described as that (it was lacking both in situations and comedy), contained an episode revolving around kids selling candy for school.  There was a very long scene where one of the kids had to hold a big box of candy the entire time.  The prop guys had loaded the candy into the box in a jumbled manner, so there would be candy bars sticking up at all angles, making it easier to see.  We did about 700 takes, and on the final take, I noticed I couldn't see the candy bars anymore.  While the director was talking to one of the actors, I walked up to the kid with the candy and peered into the box.  The candy was all neatly stacked.  I asked what had happened, and he said he had stacked the candy up neatly.  I asked when, exactly, had he done this, and he didn't know.  "A while ago," I believe, was his final answer.  I didn't ask why, because there could be no possible acceptable answer in this universe or any other, that would adequately explain why this kid had neatly stacked the candy in the middle of a scene.

As a continuity guy, I should have noticed this immediately.  But I hadn't.  As an actor, he should have known not to do something so stupid as to screw with a prop in the middle of a scene.  But he was a dipshit.  Still, if there were a problem editing it later on, it would have been my ass on the line, not his.

Continuity is also thankless job, like any of the technical jobs are.  No one will congratulate a boom operator for keeping his mike out of frame all day, but the minute the boom dips into frame, someone in the booth will shout "BOOM IN" over the headsets.  If it happens again, jokes will be made about the boom needing make-up if it's going to have that much screen time, or it will be suggested that perhaps the boom should start receiving SAG benefits.

Continuity is a little like that.  No one will congratulate a continuity person on a day without hitches.  The words: "Dude... greaaaaaaat continuity today" will never be spoken in sincerity.  You only get noticed when you fuck up, which you most certainly will.

I did, once, get completely chewed out by one of the writer/producers.  I had missed a detail.  There was a shot of a kid reading something off a piece of paper.  About two hours later, the director set up another shot, which would be over the kid's shoulder as the kid read off the piece of paper, and he wanted to know where the kid's hands had been.  Like, had she been holding the piece of paper near the top, the middle, the bottom, etc.  I had no clue.  I hadn't thought to note the position of the kid's hands.  Why?  Because I hadn't known the director would be trying to get an over-the-shoulder shot later on.  Why hadn't I known?  Because the director hadn't told me.  Why hadn't he told me?  Because he had just fucking decided to do it.

Still!  I respect the director's right to decide on new shots at a moment's notice.  I only asked that they respect the fact that I hadn't been able to see into the future.  They didn't.  The writer/producer, who was on set at the time, looked at me and shook his head.  "You should have caught that, Chris," he said loudly, meaning I should have known where the kid's hands had been.  "I can't catch everything," I snapped.

Later, in his office, after chewing me out in front of the unit manager, he said to me:  "What really bothered me was that you said you couldn't catch everything.  You have to catch everything.  You have to catch everything.  And I'm not stupid.  I know you can't catch everything.  But you have to catch everything."

It's the worst job description in the world.  You have to, but you can't, but you have to.  How are you supposed to deal with that?   Have to.  Can't.  Have to.  I started hating it.  After that show, I moved on to other things.

Still, I think I have retained some of those habits.  When I watch movies or TV, to this day, I often watch background actors, and props, and wardrobe, and little things off to the side, especially if the movie or show is boring.  And I spot mistakes all the time.  There are probably a lot of people reading this who do the same thing, having never done it for a living.  Everyone notices things on TV and in films, little (and especially big) errors in continuity.  Only they probably blame the continuity person, while I blame the idiot actors and jerkhole director.

The weirdest thing about continuity is that for a while there, I was doing it even when I wasn't watching a screen of any kind.  For example, we had a party at an amusement park one time.  One of the "actors" from the show, Josh, was there, riding around on the Go-Kart track.  I was sitting there, waiting my turn, watching Josh and the others driving around the track.  Since I was used to watching Josh all day (because Josh was an idiot who screwed with props a lot), I was watching him then.  Josh was wearing a hat.  On the first two laps around the track, Josh had his hat on, but on the third lap, he did not.  I guess it had either blown off or he had taken it off.  The point was, he wasn't wearing his hat on this go-round.

And I said, out loud, automatically:  "Josh isn't wearing his hat."

Of course, it didn't matter that Josh wasn't wearing his hat.  Why would it?  If it a camera had been taping him, it would have.  And it was then I discovered that, in my mind at least, a camera was always taping everything.

While discussing this with a guy I worked with, he said he knew a continuity person who had the same problem.  She'd been at it so long, that when dining with friends, she would absent-mindedly memorize the placement of their glasses and dishes and silverware and food on the table, and she could recall exactly what they'd ordered months later.  She could even tell you the order in which they ordered.

Thankfully, I never got that bad.  And unfortunately, I never got that good.

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

5.23.02 - If DIE Ran Hollywood

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!

Which means it's time for all those great summer movies to start hitting the theaters and start sucking like chest wounds.  It's simply amazing, this slate of suck that's headed our way.  Everything just looks so BAD.  And I think I know why.

As you know from watching movie stars being interviewed and talking about themselves in hushed tones, being a movie star isn't easy.  It's hard.  And it's harder for them, because not only are they all incredibly talented people, they're also all incredibly complicated people.  And they never look happy.  Which leads me to this conclusion:

These sucky movies are a cry for help.  The stars, they are miserable, and they want to die.  And I want to help them die.  And with that awkward, pathetic attempt at a segue, let's take a look at some summer suck that will soon be infesting our theaters and brains, and pray for the death of those involved!  

Mr. Deeds: Starring Adam "Blabbering Man-Child" Sandler and Winona "Five-Finger Discount" Ryder

Adam Sandler stars in this remake of the same movie he makes every goddamn summer, about how he's a gibbering asspony who gets a lot of money and annoys stuffy rich people by hitting them with things.  Along the way, he meets and falls in love with Winona Ryder, she of the bulging pockets, and wins her heart by talking like a retarded radiation victim.  And you just know he straps on a guitar at some point and sings some lame-ass song in a high, quavering voice that cracks him up but leaves everybody else wanting to dig their eardrums out with meat thermometers.  Die, Adam Sandler, Die.

The Crocodile Hunter:  Collision Course:  Starring Steve "Crikey I'm A Loud Annoying Putz" Irwin

Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.  But it's true.  They gave this wide-eyed himbo a fucking film.  Anyway, Steve will yet again run around in nature in those stupid shorts, and yet again show his appreciation for all forms of animal life by picking them up by their tails and humiliating them.  Hey, Steve!  Look, don't touch, you colossal shitstain, and stop giving Australians a bad name.  What with Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious, we don't need yet another excuse to start dropping nukes on the outback.  Now, DIE!  DIE YOU CROC-MOLESTING TWIT.

Insomnia:  Starring Al "I'm Incredibly Loud In Lieu of Talent" Pacino and Robin "Hey, Me Too" Williams

I know!  Let's take a really good foreign movie that came out about five years ago and remake it, American-style, with really loud scenery-chewing has-been actors who yell and scream on screen for no reason and only lower their voices when speaking in hushed tones about themselves in interviews!  Who wants to watch the really good, tense, edgy, well-acted version with Stellan Skarsgård, anyway?  I mean, it's got those icky subtitles.  Forget it!  Watch our version so you can yet again enjoy Pacino's ranting and raving with lots of tight close-ups of his disgusting dentures, and so you can watch Robin Williams not acting, but looking like a man who is trying to look like he's a man who looks like he's trying to act!  Die, Pacino & Williams!  Die!  Under a burning bus!  Do it now!

Hal the Hedgehog:  Starring Dave "No One Ever Gets Tired of My Lame Bullwinkle Impression" Coulier

Okay, I made it up.  There's no movie called Hal the Hedgehog coming to theaters this summer.  I just really, really, really want Dave Coulier to die a horrible death, preferably when he's in the middle of doing that goddamn Bullwinkle impression where he sticks his dumb hands on his head as if they were antlers.  Just die, Coulier.  Just die.

K-19: The Widowmaker: Starring Harrison "I Used to be Cool But Now I Suck; Also, I Date Walking Skeletons" Ford.

Oh cripes.  Harrison Ford.  Speaking.  With a Russian accent.  This is just a bad, bad, bad idea.  As cool as he once was, Ford has now soured and is far too craggy and gnarled and scowly to be enjoyed.  And let's face it, he can't act and he never could.  Any enjoyment he's ever brought to the screen was as a cartoon character, like Indiana Jones or Han Solo.  And possibly the guy from Frantic, because he's good at fumbling around like an oaf and looking confused.  But the rest is all suck, and now we shall be treated to watching him crouch around inside a cramped tin can, getting wet and trying to speak with an accent?  I think I'd rather watch him, oh, I dunno... let's see... DIE DIE DIE!

Stuart Little 2: Starring Jonathan "I'm 46 Years Old Now" Lipnicki

Okay.  In Jerry Maguire little Jonathan Lipnicki stole my heart.  I admit it.  Then I saw his bored, glassy-eyed, zombie-like "performance" in Stuart Little and decided he should die.  Plus, hasn't he aged at all?  I'm just sure he's a huge lumbering fullback by now, hardly the type to star in another bastardization of the charming children's book.  If you ask me, they made an un-aging Lipnicki Robot and killed the kid.  It would help explain his "acting."  And for the love of God, won't anyone cast Hugh Laurie as anything other than a stodgy bore?  The guy is one of my favorite comedic actors, and he's completely wasted in films like this.  Die!  Die, Hugh L-- er, no.  Live, Hugh Laurie!  And get in better films.  But DIE, LIPNICKIBOT!  DIE!

Riri Shushu No Subete: Starring Hayato "I'm Japanese" Ichihara and Shûgo "I, Also, Am Japanese" Oshinari

Oh, goody.  Yet another film from the director of Shigatsu Monogatari.  Great.  Just what we needed.  And I'm just sure it's pulsating, shimmering mirage of humanity in a moviegoing landscape rubbed smooth and uncomplicated by a thousand Styrofoam blockbusters. I'm certain it's an exploration of possibility and purity, of claustrophobia and beauty, of the sometimes painful and often inexplicable roller coaster of emotion that makes up adolescence.  And I'll just bet it demands something of its audience: concentration, patience, a strong stomach for harrowing emotions, and what it takes, it gives back as a soaring wave of light and sound that washes over you, and carries you out to sea.  Swell.  Wonderful.  Now, DIE!!!

Scooby-Doo:  Starring Matthew "I Need to Die, Now" Lillard, Freddy "I'm An Annoying Mouth-Breather" Prinze, Jr., and Sarah "Michelle" Gellar

Die, Lillard.  Die, Prinze, Jr.  Die, Gellar.  Everyone involved in this, die.  Even you, Rowan Atkinson.  I have the Black Adder DVD collection, you have served your purpose.  Death now.  For you and all of them.  Except the chick who plays Velma.  She can come over and sit on my face for a while.  But DIE THE REST OF YOU!  DIE!  AND HURRY!  THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME!

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

5.21.02 - Othelloreo

Whoops.  Totally forgot to throw you some new Diversions yesterday.  My bad!

First, a cool Flash 5 game:  Russian Roulette!  Just pick a name, a password, and how many bullets you want in the gun.  A very edgy and fun game, and it keeps track of how you're doing.  In Roadies, another Flash game, you have to get the roadies through the stage while avoiding managers and musicians.  This will result in lots and lots (and lots) of bouncing.  This game takes a while to get the hang of, but it's fun.  Finally, the Four Rooms of Kharon.  Which is kinda like Myst, in that there's a lot of wandering around clicking things and trying to figure out what the hell you're supposed to be doing.  It's also Flash, and takes roughly three weeks to load.  Enjoy!  Links on the left side in a box somewhere.

Also, the worksafe page, which once again wasn't working in versions of Netscape 4, is now working, thanks yet again to random, and can be reached by clicking that little square up on the right.

You know when you're walking around the mall, and you see that person with the clipboard trying to make eye contact with shoppers?  They'll usually ask for a few minutes of your time to conduct a survey, and you'll usually skirt around them as if they were smeared with feces.   At least, that's what I usually do.  Until one day it hit me.  A few minutes?  Hell, I got about a zillion minutes I ain't doing anything with.  So, I agreed to take part in their survey, and was told they'd pay me ten bucks!

I followed the woman with the clipboard to a room in the mall, where I was introduced to Colin.  Colin was... how should I put this... Colin was William Shakespeare's wet dream.  Tall.  Commanding presence.  Big, booming voice.  Expressive face.  Wavy, silver hair.  And British.  Oh, so goddamn British, was he.  There has never been anyone nearly as British as Colin.  Colin made James Bond sound like Slim Pickens.  This was a man born, born I say, to perform Shakespeare to sold-out crowds in London and New York, to dazzle critics and theatergoers, to die dramatic deaths as Hamlet, Macbeth, Antony, to draw ten, twelve curtain calls.

Instead, he fed me roughly 700 Oreo cookies and asked me questions about them.

It seems Nabisco, maker of Oreo cookies, was thinking of making changes to their formula, and had produced some slight variations in both the cookie part and cream part.  I'd be earning my ten bucks by eating these new, modified cookies, and telling Colin how they tasted.  We're not talking about anything major, here.  They looked like regular Oreos and really didn't taste a whole lot different.  And once you've eaten seventy-five marginally different Oreos, you kind of forget what the regular Oreos taste like, in fact, you forget what the very last Oreo tasted like.  You also start getting extremely sick.

Still, you get through it.  And you get through it because Colin, the Lawrence Oliver of Cookie Focus Groups, is just so goddamn entertaining.

He sat before me at this table, sliding me cookie after cookie, which I would eat.  After each one, he would lean forward, his eyes locked on mine, his bushy eyebrows twitching, and in his great, booming, commanding, theatrical voice, he'd ask:

"Now.... what... did you think.... of THAT cookie..."

The dramatic pauses, the accent... I was in utter awe and suspense, even though I knew what questions he would ask after each cookie, and that I would be the one supplying the actual answer.  But it was suspenseful, because he made it so.  He was the kind of guy who could read something utterly boring, like the phone book or the Bible or a Caleb Carr novel, and make it simply captivating.  It was as if I were sitting on my folding chair not in some tiny room in a mall, but on a stage, watching one of the greats perform right in front of me.

He'd ask about the cookie part first, giving me multiple answers to choose from, starting slowly yet growing louder and more dramatic toward the end of the choices:

"Was... THAT cookie... crisp?  Tooooooo crisp?  Slight-ly too crisp?  Faaaaar too crisp? NOT CRISP EEEEEE-NOUGH???

I loved it!  I wanted to applaud!  He'd write down my answer on his clipboard, making a show even of that, and then ask... about the filling.

"Now.... now... the filling... was it........."

Man, could this guy pause dramatically, and for just the right amount of time.  I was always about to shout "What?  Was it what?" when he'd suddenly bellow forth:

".... sweet?  Tooooo sweet?  Slightly too sweet?  FARRRR TO SWEET -- OR NOT. SWEET. EEEEENOUGH?"

It was, truly, the greatest performance I have ever seen.  And although I don't think I'll be able to eat another Oreo for about a decade, when I do, I'll be thinking about Colin.

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

5.20.02 - In the Kitchen With Chris

(What follows is a written transcript from the popular cooking show, "The Temporary Chef," which airs Sundays on The Food Network.)

INT: Tiny, cramped, messy kitchen.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  It's Sunday afternoon at 2:38pm, and that means it's time for...

AUDIENCE: (silence)

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  That's right!  It's time to cook breakfast with Chef Chris!

CHEF CHRIS, BLINKING, SHUFFLES INTO THE KITCHEN, WEARING BAGGY PAJAMA BOTTOMS AND AN OPEN BATHROBE, A CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HIS LIPS. HIS HAIR IS A MESS AND HE IS UNSHAVEN. HE SQUINTS AROUND UNCERTAINLY.

Chef Chris:  Whut.  Uh.  (coughs)  Uh.  Uh.  (muttering) Where the (bleep) are my (bleep)ing glasses... (bleep).  (coughs) (scratches butt)

AUDIENCE: (scattered, hesitant applause)

Chef Chris:  (bleep).  Oh, uh, right.  Breakfast.  Okay.  Umm... lessee what we've got in the fridge.  Looks like I got... eggs... bacon... and bread.  Man, how long has that milk been in there? (coughs)  Okay, I guess I could make a (bleep)ing omelette and bacon and uh... whadyacallit.  Toast.  And coffee, (bleep), I need some (bleep)ing coffee.

CHEF CHRIS STARTS COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND STAGGERS OVER TO THE STOVE.  HE TURNS ON ONE OF THE BURNERS AND LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE WITH THE OPEN FLAME.

Chef Chris:  Okay.  (another coughing fit).  Okay.  Hi.  Okay.  So, we'll start the bacon first, since I think that takes longest.  And you'll see I have two frying pans here, one big and one kinda small, and they're both... mostly clean.  So, we'll turn on the burners under them... nope, wrong ones... okay.  Now, we'll open the package of bacon.  Remember, when you buy bacon, buy high quality bacon.  If you go to some cheap (bleep)ing grocery store, they'll have cheap  bacon that is mostly fat, like this bacon is.  So, buy better bacon than I do, because this bacon is almost entirely white.  Okay, I'm cutting the package open with, ah... this knife, and now I'm peeling some slabs of bacon off, and they're kind of ripping because they're all stuck together.  And I've got (bleep)ing bacon fat all over my hands now.  Great.  Great start.  Where are my (bleep)ing glasses?

CHEF CHRIS DROPS THREE FATTY STRIPS OF BACON INTO THE SMALLER FRYING PAN AND THEY START SIZZLING.

Chef Chris:  That looks gross.  And they don't really fit in the pan.  Okay, let's see.  I guess we'll break the eggs into a bowl... a bowl.  Um... I don't have a clean bowl.  But I have a measuring cup, we'll use that.

CHEF CHRIS BREAKS THREE EGGS INTO A MEASURING CUP AND STIRS THEM WITH A FORK.

Chef Chris:  I think you're supposed to add some water to make them fluffy, but I dunno.  I guess I'll do that.  Oh, I need to start the coffee, too.  Oh, and (bleep), I gotta butter the other pan.  Do I have butter?  I don't think I have butter.  Oh, there's a tiny sliver.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS THE TINY SLIVER OF BUTTER IN THE LARGE PAN AND SLIDES IT AROUND WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.

Chef Chris:  Okay, that's all the butter.  I don't, uh, I don't know what will go on the toast.  Maybe some jelly, although I think it's pretty old.  Anyway, we'll pour the eggs into the big pan now, and when you do this, make sure you don't spill a bunch of it over the stove like I just did.  And don't have a couple bags of old clothes piled up in front of the stove because you keep forgetting to drop them off at Goodwill.  Because then it's hard to reach the stove, and you have to lean way over and you spill your eggs all over the (bleep)ing place. Also, I don't think the bacon is cooking right, because the pan is too small and the ends are sticking out.  So, I'm just gonna cut them in half with... where'd I put that knife... okay, a different knife... while they're frying and OW!  OW AGHHH OW (bleep) OW!

THE BACON IS SIZZLING AND SPITTING.

Chef Chris:  OW!  MOTHER(bleep)ING (bleep) (bleep)ING (bleep)!  HOLY (bleep) (bleep)ING H. (bleep) ON A TREADMILL!  (bleep)! Okay, here's a tip, don't cook bacon with an open robe or you get boiling fat splattered all over your (bleep)ing stomach.  (bleep).  Okay, I'm turning down the heat on the stupid bacon.  Agh, the coffee, I have to get that started.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS COFFEE AND WATER INTO THE COFFEE MAKER.

Chef Chris:  Okay, we've got that.. oh, (bleep), the (bleep)ing eggs are boiling!  What the hell.  Ach, I turned up the heat on the eggs instead of turning down the heat on the bacon.  Okay, I need a spatula... a spatula... ah, who am I kidding.

CHEF CHRIS USES THE HANDLE OF A MEAT-TENDERIZER TO UNSUCCESSFULLY FLIP THE EGGS AROUND A LITTLE.

Chef Chris:  I gotta add something to the omelette.  Some things are good to add, like ham, cheese, uh, mushrooms, stuff like that, which I have none of.  Mushrooms are gross anyway.  Um, (bleep), the stupid eggs are all in pieces so I'll just make them scrambled.  Whatever.  I guess I should start the toast now.

CHEF CHRIS PUTS TWO PIECES OF TOAST IN THE TOASTER.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Um... Chris?

Chef Chris:  Okay. Okay.  Now, uh...

ANNOUNCER V.O.: You might want to do something about the bacon there.

Chef Chris:  Shut up, (bleep)face.  I see it.  The bacon is spraying fat all over the place, so... I think I'll drain it.  Draining is a big part of cooking, or something.  Now, you can't just pour fat down the drain, you have to pour it in a can or something.  I don't know why, but you do.  So, OW!  OW (bleep)ing (bleep).  Okay, I don't have a can, so I'll hold the bacon with... where's my fork... okay, another fork, and pour the grease into this coffee cup.  Swell.  Okay, the bacon is back on the stove, and the eggs are kinda burning, so I'll stir them a little with... (bleep), I just had a fork, what did I do with it?  I just (bleep)ing had it.  Okay, a new fork.  I've used like 500 utensils already and I don't know where I keep (bleep)ing putting them.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  The toast should be done.

Chef Chris:  Dude, shut up.  I know.  The toast should be d-- ah, the toaster wasn't even plugged in.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: (bleep).

Chef Chris:  (bleep).

AUDIENCE:  (bleep)ing (bleep).

Chef Chris:  Ah, so, we'll just have regular bread.  Is there any butter left at all?  Okay, I'll use jelly.  There's only a tiny bit way down the bottom of the jar, so I'll use yet another stupid (bleep)ing knife to get it out.

AUDIENCE:  (coughing)

Chef Chris:  The (bleep)ing bacon is burning.  (coughing) And the eggs are burning.  (bleep).  I'm, uh, turning all the burners off.  Oop, wrong knobs again.  Okay, heat is off, and I've opened a window.  (bleep), the whole place is filled with smoke, great.  Uh, I'm going to... spread jelly on the toast.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Bread.

Chef Chris:  Bread, whatever.  This is a good time to mention that counter-space is important in any good kitchen, which is why this kitchen sucks and why I'm having to spread jelly on my bread on the window sill.  Gah, why does everything have to finish at the same time?  Eggs and bacon are done and the coffee is done.  I'm going to pour my coffee, now, ah, (bleep)!  Forgot I'd poured bacon fat into that coffee cup.  Okay, here's another cup.  

ANNOUNCER V.O.: That's a wine glass.

Chef Chris:  Do you want to do this?  Do I come into your announcer's booth and tell you how to do your job?  Shut up.  Now, some sugar.  Some... huh.  I bought the wrong kind of sugar.  This is confectioner's sugar.  Well, that's great.  Why don't they (bleep)ing make the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing boxes look (bleep)ing different, those (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep)s?!?  Well, it's still sugar, how bad can it taste, anyway.  Whatever.  I'll stir it with a spoon... or, no, no clean spoons.  I'll just use another knife, why not?  Okay, the food.  Um, I don't have a plate... a plate... okay, here's a lid to the frying pan, I'll eat out of that.

AUDIENCE:  Are--

Chef Chris:  Don't start.  Don't even (bleep)ing start with me, audience.  Don't.  If I want to eat out of a (bleep)ing frying pan lid I'm gonna.  Okay, I'm dumping the eggs in, and using the four-hundred and sixty-(bleep)ing-seventh clean fork in a row, and getting the bacon.  Wait, I'm supposed to wipe the grease off with a paper towel or something.  Do I have paper towels?  Oh, screw it.  Okay, I-- ew! Ew!  Ew!  Ewwww!

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  What?  What?

Chef Chris:  I dropped some egg on the floor and I just stepped on it with my bare foot.  Ugh, (bleep), that's gross.

AUDIENCE:  What a pig.  This is pathetic.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Can we wrap this up?  Please?

Chef Chris:  Yeah.  Okay, see?  Here is... the.  The meal.  And, um, you, too, can make this.  At home.

CHEF CHRIS HOLDS HIS FRYING PAN LID UP TO CAMERA, SHOWING THE BURNED, DRIED OUT SCRAMBLED EGGS, THE GREASE-SOAKED FATTY BACON, AND MUSHY UN-TOASTED BREAD SMEARED WITH CHUNKS OF OLD JELLY OF AN UNDETERMINED FLAVOR.  HE ALSO HOLDS UP HIS WINE GLASS FILLED WITH COFFEE AND CONFECTIONER'S SUGAR.

Chef Chris:  So, there it is.  This is why I don't ever do this.

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Just do your tagline, jackass.

Chef Chris:  I have a (bleep)ing tagline?

ANNOUNCER V.O.: Yes.  Don't you remember it?

Chef Chris:  Dude, I've got egg on my foot and the kitchen is filled with smoke.  It's gonna smell like bacon in here for months.  You do the damn tagline.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Fine.  That's it for the Temporary Chef, folks, and always remember, that, uh... (bleep).  What is the tagline, anyway?

AUDIENCE:  (bleep) this.  We're outta here.  (leaves)

ANNOUNCER V.O.: No, wait, I... I remember, it's uh...

Chef Chris:  Do I actually have to eat this (bleep)?

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  Yes.

Chef Chris:  Fine.  (bleep).  (bleep).  (bleep).

ANNOUNCER V.O.:  What now?

Chef Chris:  Um.  I'm out of forks.

e:mail: temp@notmydesk.com

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