spinnwebe

oxen.net

the word of the day

awards:

Poop.

Anyway, today is my last day at my current temp job, and I'll be taking a little time off before finding my next one.  I'd go into a little more detail, but I conked out early last night, and I'm writing this Friday morning approximately ten minutes before I have to catch my bus.  But, over the next few weeks there should still be daily updates, even weekend updates, maybe an essay or two, some long-overdue additions to Vision of the Future, a big 'ol Cheese update, another theme week, and of course, an 11-part series on Maximilian Joseph, Duke of Bavaria.

Peas out!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-26-00 - Let Them Eat (Some) Cake

Part of the problem with temping is constantly being immersed in foreign surroundings.  But all it takes to make a temp feel more comfortable is the sight of something familiar.  Here's a few things you will find at every temp job you take.

The Pile: The pile is present in every copy room, and consists of a huge, unsorted mound of paper of different sizes and colors.  It comes into existence because at least once per day, someone will make a copy of something on colored paper, but neglect to put white paper back in the copier.  So, the next person comes along to make a copy, and out it comes on colored paper.  They angrily yank the colored paper out of the machine and plop it down on a shelf or countertop, thinking that it's not their job to put the paper back where it belongs.  The Pile knows this.  The Pile grows.

The Tiny Sliver of Cake in the Break Room - This phenomenon may also appear as the Chocolate-Chip Cookie Cut in Half or the Single Grape on the Plate.  For whatever reason, employees can never take the last bit of food.  One factor may be, and I'm not pointing out any specific gender here, that some people think if they eat an entire cookie by themselves, they will immediately put on 40 pounds.

The Crumpled Dollar Bill in the Desk You Sit At - It's always there, at every single job.  Sometimes it's jammed into a plastic cup filled with paperclips, but generally it will be in the top drawer, off to the left under all the pennies.  As soon as you see it, take it.  Might as well.  Eventually, you will take it anyway, usually to spend a fruitless half-hour trying to feed it to the soda machine.

The Ugly-Ass Pink Coat Hanging in the Closet -   No one will claim it.  No one will toss it.  Presumably, someone once wore it to work.  Whose it was, no one knows.  Not even the Pile.  But there it hangs.  And damn, is it ugly.

The Little Black Mark on the Toilet Seat in the Restroom - When you first see it you think the worst, so you use another stall.  But day after day, it remains.  You know, deep down in your heart, that it can't possibly be what you think it is, because the restrooms get cleaned every day, but you can't bring yourself to take that chance.  You will never sit on that toilet.  Ever.

See?  Aren't you feeling right at home now?

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-25-00 - Read Before Purchasing!

How to care for your temp:

1)  Store in a cool, dry place.

2)  Do not expose to sunlight.

3)  Keep your temp out of the reach of children.  And vice-versa.

4)  The last thing you want your temp to do is reproduce.  Neuter often.

5)  For the best performance, keep your temp on a steady diet of tobacco and caffeine.

6)  To clean beer stains from your temp, wipe with a soft, moist cloth.  Do not use harsh detergents, Windex, or ammonia.

7)  Cover your temp in plastic when not in use.

8)  Do not leave your temp unattended.

9)  Never lend your temp to anyone. If it is stolen while being borrowed, insurance will not cover the loss.

10)  Although your temp may be cute, do not cuddle it excessively.

Warrantee:  If your temp is not working, feel free to exchange it for a temp of equal value.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-24-00 - Damn Yankees

So, I had a long and interesting weekend, the highlight of which was flying to New York to see Game One of the World Series.  And what a game it was!  Just shy of five hours (the longest World Series game in history), lasting twelve innings (the only World Series game with more innings was in 1916, when the Boston Red Sox beat the Brooklyn Dodgers, with Babe Ruth pitching the entire 14 innings for the Sox), 396 pitches (that's, um, a whole lotta pitches), and nearly fifty-six thousand fans in attendance to see the first ever Mets/Yankees World Series match-up!

Only glitch was, the Yankees won.

Dammit.  Stupid Yankees.

Huge, huge thanks to Sean for coming through with tickets to the big game, the huge game, Game One of the frikkin' World Series fer cryin' out loud!  I can't believe we were really there for it.  Even though the Mets lost, I think fans of both teams (even the misguided fans of the stupid Yankees) recognized a great game, a great match-up, and hopefully the beginning of a great World Series.

Thanks also to my sister Nancy, for driving me around and letting me stay with her for the weekend.  Like she really had any choice.

I'm a little too tired to go into full detail right now, having gotten maybe 10 hours of sleep since Thursday, but you'll be able to read all about the whole trip in a few days.  Lucky you!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-20-00 - This Guy On The Phone Won't Shut Up.  He Just Won't.

I'm waiting for this guy on the phone to shut up so I can go take my morning break.  

He won't shut up.  He just won't.  

All I want to do is sit down somewhere quiet for a few minutes and read the New York Times.

Of course, to buy the New York Times, I'll have to visit the coin-operated dispenser outside.

And, to use the dispenser, I'll need four quarters in change.

To get the change, I'll have visit the deli.

Before the lady in the deli will change a dollar bill, I'll have to buy something.

In order to buy something, I'll have to have cash. 

To get cash, I'll have to go to the ATM.

To visit the ATM, I'll have to leave the front desk.

In order for me to leave the front desk, I'll have to get someone to cover the reception area.

To get someone to cover the reception area, I'll need a Goddamned miracle.

To get a Goddamned miracle, I'll have to pray for it.

To pray, I'll have to put my hands together.

To put my hands together properly, I'll have to be empty-handed.

To become empty-handed, I'll have to hang up the phone.

To hang up the phone, I'll have to end this call.

Before I end this call, this guy on the phone will have to shut up.

But he won't shut up.

He just won't.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-19-00 - Words.  Words.  Words.

Welcome to Not My Desk!  

How did you hear about our website?  From a friend?  Advertisement?  Referral?  

Or, pray tell, did you stumble across it by entering some temp-related keywords into a search engine? 

Fresh from the logs, some charmers from the past couple weeks:

'sneezing she sneezed'  "I have to sneeze," Brenda said, while talking.  Then, sneezing... she sneezed.

'hiccupping movies'  I'll never understand why hiccupping holds such a fascination for internet users, or why it leads so many of them here.  But, hell, I'm not gonna fight it!  With the addition of sneezing, we should soon corner the market on all surprising bodily emissions.

'zippo lighter fluid stinks'  Okay, this seems like a reasonable opinion, but I just don't get why someone would type it into a search engine.  Just needed to get it off your chest?

'women kicking testicles'  Really don't wanna know.

'who moved my cheese the gathering'  A Who Moved My Cheese? trading card game?  Hell, I wouldn't be surprised.

'old mother anal gallery'  Really, really, really do NOT want to know.

'essays on fitting in'  HA HA HA!  Sure as hell not gonna find any of those here.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-18-00 - Back in Block

Hey.

So, a slow couple weeks here at Not My Desk.  Sorry about that.  With the exception of some of the links I posted, I didn't have much going on.  And, after last week, I got to thinking that no update was better than a bad update.

Well, screw that!  Dammit, I'm going to update every day no matter how bad my content is!  No matter how humor deficient and dead-boring and unoriginal, there will be something new on this site every single day!

(Except for probably this weekend, and maybe next Monday.)

Anyway, we've finally got some more memos!  They've been slowly trickling in, so head over to page 2 of the memos section and check 'em out!

More stuff tomorrow, writer's block or not.  Thanks to everyone who has been bugging me to get going again.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

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