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Life isn't perfect, especially when it comes to writing articles and essays for a website.  Sometimes the stuff I write, well... it doesn't go all that well the first time around. Or the second.  Or the third!

Here are some excerpts of updates and essays that didn't go quite as I planned!

Outtake One:  Busted

Busted was a long essay I wrote about not being able to catch a bus (or a cab) in downtown Oakland in the middle of the night.  Often, it's when things go wrong that I get my best material.. but what happens when things go right?  Let's take a look at my first attempt at writing this piece.

The trip?  San Francisco to Alameda.  The plan?  Take BART (a San Francisco rail service) under the bay into Oakland.  Then, catch an AC Transit bus, either number 51, or 51A, or 51M, to Alameda.  So, sort of two-pronged trip.

Prong One?  Not a problem.  Prong Two?  The complete opposite of not a problem.  It was a problem, in other -- oh, huh.  Here comes a bus now.

Hm, it's my bus, and it's stopping.  And I'm getting on.  And now it's driving away.  Heh.  Well, uh... heh heh.  Okay!  This isn't much of a problem, now is it?

Wow, I'm almost home.  And, heh, nothing is happening, like, nothing bad.  Oh, man, this is kinda funny, shit.  Some essay this is gonna turn out to be.  Well, maybe if the driver hits someone or something... nope.  

Here I am.  Uh, I'm home.  Heh heh.  In record time, too!  Oh well!  Maybe I'll have worse luck next time I ride the bus and write an essay about it!  

Heh, man.

Boy, that was rough!  I got it right the next time, though!

Outtake Two:  The Hot Seat

I wrote an essay called The Hot Seat a while back.  Part of it had to do with me getting my leg stuck under an office chair, because I had accidentally kicked the lever that controlled the height of the chair, and I wound up with my leg sort of pinned, which led to all sorts of embarrassing problems.  Anyway, let's just say it wasn't as easy as it sounded!  I had to write this essay a bunch of times before I got it right!

First Attempt:

My boss enters the office along with a few other people, who begin speaking with the woman I share the office with. I'm glad I actually have some work to do so I can look busy, instead of having to fake it as usual, although they're talking about numbers which is seriously throwing me off.  I kick my fidgeting up a notch to compensate.

While kicking away at the bottom of my seat, my right heel connects with the lever that controls the height of my office chair, but nothing happens. I continue doing my work, and soon my boss and the other people leave, and I go home a little later.  And uh... okay, I think I blew that one.  Dammit!  Okay, let's go again?  Can we... is the computer still on?  Okay, lemme go again. I'll pick it up from "While kicking..."

Second Attempt:

While kicking away at the bottom of my seat, my right heel connects with the lever that controls the height of my office chair. The chair lets out a loud hydraulic wheeze and jolts downwards, trapping my leg between the seat and the foot of the chair.  Now, my um... my leg is free.  It's not pinned.

Okay, I didn't get pinned there, so it's not funny.  My shoe fell off, but um, that's not supposed to happen until later, I guess.  Sorry.  Sorry, I'll go again, same place.

Third Attempt:

I sit there doing my work.  I work on things, and I work, and I do a little more work, and uh... what.  What am I...?

Oh, right, the kicking!  Heh, I don't know where my mind is today, the kicking!  I totally forgot to even kick the bottom of the chair in this essay!  Man, I think I need coffee or something.  I'm gonna get this essay right, though!  I'm gonna do it!

Man, it's gonna be a long day.

Outtake Three:  Special Relativity!

Not long ago, I wrote an update called Special Relativity Don't Upset Us.  It started off with me trying to remember a single thing I learned in school, which led to me attempting to solve the E=mc2 equation by dividing it by Academy Award winning actor Sidney Poitier.  The first time I wrote it, well... just read.

Okay.  E=mc² is an equation.  What do I know about equations?  Here we have to go into math, I guess.  The equals sign is important... and... wait, it's coming... I can do whatever I want to one side of the equation, provided I do it to the other side of the equation as well!  Yeah!  I can times it by five, I can bake it for an hour at 250 degrees, I can divide it by Sidney Poitier.  So long as I do it on both sides of the "=", it's legal.  I'm certain that's right, and I'm also certain they wouldn't have taught me that if it didn't help me to solve equations.

So, now we have energy divided by Sidney Poitier equals mass times the square of the speed of light divided by Sidney Poitier.  We're getting somewhere!  Somewhere sciencey!  Somewhere... somewhere... wait.  Wait a sec.  Wait just one goddamn second.

Oh my God.  This... is this right?  If Sidney's atomic weight is... it is.  This means the n x m matrix A' is the transpose of the m x n matrix A if and only if The ith row of A = the ith column of A' for (i = 1,2,3,..n) So ai,j = aj,i', which means r(A+B) = rA+rB+two rabbits (r+s) A = rA+sA (rs)A = r(sA) (A + B)T = AT + BT (rA)T = r. AT, - feltman and if I let D' denote A.B, then di,p' = sumk ai,k.bk,p (A.B)T = BT .AT and S = {2z - 5.2t + 12.6 decaliters, 2z -4.8t + 11.4 , z, t} large coke with z, t in R and =(a+b).(ak + C(k,1)ak-1 b + C(k,2)ak-2 b2 + C(k,3, + a rubber band)ak-3 b3 + ... C(k,k)bk ) = ak+1 + C(k,1)ak b + C(k,2)ak-1 oscar winner b2 + C(k,3)ak-2 b3 + ... C(k,k)a bk + ak b + C(k,1)ak-1 b2 + C(k,2)ak-2 b3 + ...+ C(k,k-1)a + fries, no salt, bk + C(k,k) bk+1 (shillings)(4,3,3,1) = x.(0,1,3,1) + y.(1,0,-1,0) + z.(0,0,0,1) + t.(3,2,1,0)...

MY GOD.  I HAVE SOLVED THE WORLD'S ENERGY PROBLEMS... FOREVER!!!

Boy.  That was a doozy!

I'm somewhat of a prankster around here.  And what better way to pull pranks than in a chat room?  Of course, the better you know the person being pranked, the funnier it is, so I didn't unleash my mischief on random chat room strangers. Instead, I used people I knew!  Check out some transcripts of my finest jokes!

Gag One:  Tony

This gag I pulled on my friend Tony.  I've known Tony for about three years, and decided to have a little fun with him by sending him a private message.  Let's see what happens!

<notmydesk>  Hey tone.
<tonedeaf>  Yo!  whats up chris
<notmydesk>  Well, bad news.
<tonedeaf>  what?  you're still short?
<notmydesk>  I've got liver cancer.
<tonedeaf>  what?????  no.
<notmydesk> Yeah.  I don't have long to live.  Maybe a year.
<tonedeaf>  jesus christ.  are you shtiting me?
<notmydesk>  no.  i'm sitting here crying.
<tonedeaf> oh man.  oh man im so sorry.  jessu i don't know what to say
<notmydesk>  HA HA HA!  I'm totally joking with you!
<tonedeaf>  what
<notmydesk>  You've been had by a classic NMD GAG!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.
<tonedeaf>  what the hell is wrong with you.  asshole.

Ha!  Man, I totally had him fooled, huh?  I haven't heard from Tony in a while, but when I do, I'm sure we'll both still be laughing!

Gag Two:  Rick

My victim in this classic gag is my pal Rick, who I used to work with!  His folks live in the area, so I thought I'd use that little tidbit of information for a deliciously nutty prank!


<rold>  Well, look who decided to show up.
<notmydesk>  Hey rick.
<rold>  Hey.  No update today?  Slacker!
<notmydesk>  Did you see the news tonight?
<rold>  Why?
<notmydesk> Like, the local news?
<rold>  Umm a little, why?  What'd I miss
<notmydesk>  Your folks still live on Central Ave?
<rold> Yeah, why?
<notmydesk>  Well.  There was a fire on the news, and they said it was on Central, and it just kinda looked exactly like their house.  Huge, deadly fire, you know?  Like, huge.  And deadly.  Have you talked to them tonight?  And if you did, did they mention a huge, deadly fire that may have consumed them in unholy flames?  Or not?  Anyway, I'm sure it's nothing!  So, what's up with you lately?  You get that job?

***rold has disconnected

<notmydesk>  Ohhhh man!  That worked so perfectly!  Ha ha ha!

Am I a genius or what?  He got right offline and called his folks, but they happened to be out at a movie, which was a little stroke of luck for me, because he then jumped in his car a drove over there as fast as he could!  He ran a few lights and hit some stuff on the sidewalk, too!  Perfect!  Man, when he gets out of jail, we're gonna have a good chuckle over that one.

Gag Three:  Cindy

Cindy took part in perhaps my finest gag of all time!  I've known Cindy since I was a kid, and what's more, a long time ago I set her up on date with this guy Ken, and they later married!  They have two kids and live in Pennsylvania.

<CindyLWho>  Hey Chris!
<notmydesk>  Hey Cind!
<CindyLWho>  What's with the new site design?  It sucks!
<notmydesk>  Well, I kinda like it.
<CindyLWho>  Oh.  Well, that's what's really important.  I guess.
<notmydesk>  Hey, um, how's Ken these days?  He okay?
<CindyLWho>  He's great!
<notmydesk>  Oh, good.  Good.  That's good.  Good.  yeah.
<CindyLWho>  ... why?
<notmydesk>  Well... ah, it's probably nothing.
<CindyLWho>  What?  Tell me.
<notmydesk>  Ummm... you know, it's nothing important.  Never mind.
<CindyLWho>  Whaaaaaat.  Spill it.
<notmydesk>  Well... this doesn't matter at all, after all this time, but... well, the night I set you and Ken up on that date, he told me it was his secret wish to meet a beautiful woman, marry her, have kids, and then, one night, when they were least expecting it... he wanted to POUNCE ON THEM AND COOK THEM AND DEVOUR THEIR FLESH.
<CindyLWho>  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... you are nutty.
<notmydesk>  Heh heh, yeah, I'm just kiddin!
<CindyLWho>  Goofball!  I'm outta here, it's late.  Goodnight!
<notmydesk>  Nite!

So, what's the big joke on this one?  I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH!!  And later that night Ken pounced on her and cooked her and devoured her along with their two kids and their dog and a few concerned neighbors.

See?  I'm a prankster... so watch out!  You could be my next victim!

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