I was recently glancing through one of my temping books.  Like most of the others, this book makes temping out to be an exciting and diverse career choice, and attempts to prove this by citing specific examples, such as the fact that temps, nomads of the workforce that they are, have the opportunity to meet hundreds of different people over the course of dozens of jobs. 

I agree and disagree with this. 

Yes, you'll work dozens of jobs. Yes, you'll meet hundreds of people. But you won't meet any different people. You'll just meet the same ten or twelve people hundreds of times. 

I've been there. I've met them. I've written them down. 

With few exceptions, here are the people you will find in any and every office in America.

Name: Bob (always)

Height: Intimidating

Nature: Inherently evil

Positive traits: Will never speak to you

Negative Traits: Will walk by when you're doing something embarrassing, such as scratching yourself, repairing your tie with a stapler, or weighing your arm on the mailroom postage scale

Identifying Features: Pockmarks for that extra-evil look

Name: Gloria; Susan

Age: Old

Arrives at: 4:30 AM

Complains about: Everything

Choice of Calendar: Infants dressed as tomatoes

Superpower: Can mess up any book or movie title, no matter how simple (M is for Burglar; The Man Who Doesn't Have Any Face)

Will miss work for: Rubber Stamp-Art Convention

Name: Dottie; Terri

Size: Large

Likes: Personal phone calls

Confused by: Computers

Offensive strategy: Knows everything about everyone

Defensive Strategy: Smells like cooked meat

Weakness: Fabio paraphernalia

Name: Frank; Chuck

Habits: Will make stupid comments with no signs of remorse

Weapon of choice: Repetition

Upon walking into a crowded break-room: "Hey, it's a party! Why wasn't I invited?"

Upon being in an elevator with someone with food: "If the elevator gets stuck, will you share that?"

Upon seeing you:  "Working hard, or hardly working?"

Latest addition:  "WHASSSSUP?"

Refers to coffee as: Regular or Unleaded

Object he should be beaten with: Bat; big rock

Aka: Guy Who Will Never Know the Touch of a Woman

Name: Kaitney; Kaitlyn; Kim

Aka: Katie-Bear; Kimmy

Attitude: Seemingly inconceivable happiness

Shrill/Not Shrill: Shrill

Musical Equivalent: The B52's

Your first impression: "Boy, she's happy."

About a week later: "No one should be that happy, dammit."

What you'll feel guilty about: Wanting to punch her

Name: Dan; Lee

Identifying expressions: Scowl; glare; frown

General Vibe: Hatred

How much he hates you: A lot

Why he hates you: Unknown

Mood on bad day: Angry

Mood on a good day: Seething

Who he's nice to: Everyone but you

First name: Ixhyl; Bing-Chon

Last Name: Hndjaaadjhalli; Ng

Calls himself: Joe

Where he's from: Unknown

What he does: Unknown

Just what the hell he's saying: Unknown

Name: Pigeon; Moon

Drives: Original VW Bug

Attire: Flowered dress; boots

Glasses: Horn-rimmed

Smokes: Cloves

Reads: Auras, palms, Rumi

Instructs others on:  Desktop Feng-Shui

Religion she'll constantly remind you she participates in: Pagan

Shaves armpits: Maybe, maybe not

The Mom

Name: Jean

Number of kids: Unknown, possibly thirty

Intelligence of kids: Too high to calculate

Favorite topic: Guess

Favorite Holiday: Bring Your Kids To Work Day (observed daily)

Is:  Always leaving work to drive them somewhere

How she gets away with this: I don't know

The Babe/The Stud

Name: Michelle/Brad

Genus: Fox/Aryan

Has nice: Scent/Hair

Has really nice: Breasts/Car

Has bad: Scruples/Personality

Likes: Zima/Golf

Scores: More than you/Way more than you

Dislikes: Women/Intelligent Women

The Religious Guy

Name: Craig; Dave

Favorite item of clothing: Jesus cap

Devoted to: The Lord

Hates: His wife; His kids; Minorities

Generous with: Tickets to religious events; advice

Medical background: Has diagnosed homosexuality as a disease

Favorite saying: "I'll pray for you."

The Guy You Can't Respond To

Name: Harvey; Hank; Hal

Similar to: Obnoxious Comment Guy, only nicer

Habits: Will make a friendly statement in passing that is impossible to reply to, such as:  "What's the good word?"

Your only possible reaction: Smile; shrug

Walks: Away before you can respond

P.S.: What the hell is the good word, anyway?

The Grubby Mailroom Girl Who Makes You Uncomfortable

Name: Beth; Deb

Appearance: Well, grubby

Routine: Has no desk, is constantly using yours

Location: A little too close to you

Goal: To invite you to lunch

Technique: Asks you several times daily from a distance of two millimeters

Danger: Can spot lies

Is: Very direct

Is not: Keen on washing, apparently

Scattered Species:

The Guy in the Elevator Who Nose-Whistles Louder than the Philharmonic

The Woman With The Incredibly Amazing Body and the Incredibly Hideous Face

The Guy Who Walks Backwards Down the Hall While Carrying on a Shouting Conversation With His Pal and Bumps Into You While You're Carrying Something Heavy

The Woman Way Too Into Astrology

The Guy Who Raps his Knuckles on Your Desk Each and Every Time he Walks by

"Tod"

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