"Space Fury"

Have you ever been mad?  Really angry?  Perhaps even... furious?

Well, neither have I, thank goodness!  But when I decided to review the new game from ColecoVision, Space Fury, I knew I might just be pushed over the brink into a frenzy of rage. After all, their game titles never lie.  In Smurf Rescue, I rescued a Smurf, and in Space Panic, well, I didn't exactly keep my cool!  So, I thought this game might just get me a little peeved, and I instructed my friends and family not to disturb me for a few days after reviewing the game, lest I unleash some sort of unforgivable behavior upon them, such as raising my voice or possibly even frowning in their presence.

Space Fury begins with a burst of high-tech, space-age type music.  I don't even really know how to describe it, other than it brings to mind thoughts of a... new age, an age where machines synthesize music.  It left me feeling slightly dreamy and wishing someone would produce an album of such music, you know, nothing but simple, synthesized chords played at a ridiculously long length.  Oh well, maybe someday!

My reverie did not last long, however, as a terrifying, inhuman visage appeared on the screen!

Yikes!  What's more, this horrifying, somewhat lush-lipped apparition seemed to be speaking directly to me!!  It delivered this message:

"SO, A CREATURE FOR MY AMUSEMENT!  PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

I was a little confused by this.  On the one hand, it speaks of amusement, which to me means fun!  But then, it tells me to prepare for battle.  I just don't get it, but these are aliens, so who knows what is going on inside their big, green, translucent heads.

We can see from the game screen our lovingly-rendered, salmon-colored spaceship, and some odd things floating around it.  Pressing one control button gives our ship a rocket boost, pressing the other causes the ship to fire a futuristic projectile reminiscent of a sugar cube.  Sci-fi, indeed!

This might be a good time to point out that this game is NOT a rip-off of the incredibly popular arcade game, Asteriods.  

Asteroids, if you remember, puts you in control of a triangular ship which must shoot big chunks of space debris into smaller chunks of space debris.  Space Fury puts you in control of a triangular ship where small chunks of space debris form into big chunks of space debris, which you then shoot.  So, it's totally different!  

When the game started, I was still a little rattled by the giant alien head talking to me, so I barely even noticed the groundbreaking nature of the intro screen, seen here:

Not "Player 1", but "Warrior 1".  ColecoVision is not messing around here.  This is no game.  You are no player.  The stiff, creaking mushroom controller in your hand might as well be the controls to an actual starship.

Not that this did me any good, as I was quickly overwhelmed by slowly spinning objects.  Sure, it was exciting.  Thrilling, even... but while I was a little disappointed at having been defeated so quickly... I wasn't furious.  I began to think that the 'Fury' of the title was aimed more towards the type of furious action I was encountering than at my mental state during battle.

Then, something happened.  As my last spaceship disintegrated, the green-headed, surprisingly slim-shouldered alien reappeared to deliver another message, despite the fact I was already dead.  Maybe in their culture, they keep talking to each other even after they have been vaporized.  Stupid aliens!

"Easy??"  Well.  Talk about fury!  My blood boiling, or at least simmering, I quickly got another game started.  This time, instead of staring in awe at the intense flickering graphics, I hammered both my buttons in a flurry of fury.  Finally, when I had managed to clear an entire screen of slow-moving detritus, I was presented with this screen:

It appeared that I had some new enemies!  The dreaded Space Pinball Paddles!  I fired as hard as I could, but my sugar cube cannon seemed to have jammed!  Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.  I held down the throttle and flew into the set of paddles on my left, thinking that I could at least ram my ship into them, going out in a suicidal flash and taking some of those rude, condescending, one-eyed aliens with me.

It turns out these were not enemies at all, but some sort of spaceship cozies that would envelop my ship, giving me the ability to fire more sugar cubes in different directions.

Simply amazing.  Those Coleco wizards even varied the types of fire!  One cozy fired one cube in three different directions, one fired three cubes in the same direction, and I can't remember what the third did, perhaps due to my adrenalin-fueled frenzy of rage.  Energized and more determined than ever, I took on whatever they could throw at me.  And throw whatever at me, they did.

Green Betamax Cassettes.  Purple Space Paperclips.  And the dreaded Spinning Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies.  I took them all on, blasting away until my thumbs were numb, though ultimately, I was defeated again.  I sat there breathlessly, awaiting the bulb-headed alien commander to reappear and give kudos to my deceased spacemen.

Huh.

Adequate.

Well, I suppose that's not so bad.  After all, he did win the battle, so I guess I can't expect him to be singing my praises.  Thinking about it, I expect this phrase might catch on, someday in the future.  If, years from now, there is some sort of gaming 'network', over which dozens of players can unite and play each other over some sort of home-computing devices, and you find yourself doing battle with, say, a thirteen-year old kid named DeTh_MaStEr_DoNG_2000, and he repeatedly kills (or 'frags' as they might possibly say then) your sorry ass, he might say "You were an adequate opponent." 

On the other hand, he might say "Heh heh your my BEEE-OTCH I $k00Led YOU!!!!"

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.