"Gateway to Apshai"

"You have a destiny to fulfill!", the unseen voice whispered from out of the darkness.

My teeth chattered, my body shook.  In the flickering firelight, I could barely see the out-stretched claw and bony finger, pointing directly at me.  By Geb's beard, was I scared!

Frightened and trembling, now I stood in the center of a huge cavern.   Behind me three ugly witches, shrouded in black, cackled and danced around a giant cauldron, bubbling over a weird fire.  Lying on animal skins, in front of me, was a very old man in roughspun priest's robes.

"AND YOU -- ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US, BY FINDING A SAFE WAY THROUGH THE EIGHT LEVELS, MORE THAN A HUNDRED DUNGEONS AND SEVEN THOUSAND ROOMS, TO ONCE AGAIN OPEN THE GATES OF APSHAI!"

Chilling, isn't it?  No, all this isn't from some best-selling book!  It's not from some hard-bound horror novel, nor from some terrible tome of terrifying... um... terror.  It's all from the the instruction manual for ColecoVision's hottest new game, Gateway to Apshai!

Don't believe me?  Well, it's true.  Still don't believe me?  Well, it's really true!  Okay, believe me now?

No?

Well, it's TRUE!!!

Every night for the past few weeks, I've climbed into bed and read from this thrilling and chilling tale, never getting past more than a few words before pulling the covers over my head and spending the night shivering in terror.  Finally, nearly a month later, I've completed the 1 1/4 pages, and I'm ready to play the game itself!

Well, so far, so good.  No weird fire, no witches, and no old man lying on animal skins, using the word "ye" and issuing prophetic sales pitches for the game.  Once I decide exactly which side button to push (I have two to choose from -- and how nice of them to leave it up to me!), I'm on my way.

After a few screens detailing my characteristics (strength: 3, agility: 3, luck: 3), and a screen telling me my equipment (dagger, leather armor), I enter the dungeon.

There is a horrible, high-pitched squealing that shakes me to my roots, but it isn't the game, it's me, screaming in fear!  The old man in the story mentioned the dungeon, but he hadn't mentioned that it was surrounded by uncooked pasta!  Am I in hell??  Or Italy?  Is there a difference??  It's enough to make me lose my nerve.  I run screaming from the room and don't return for a week.

Once I'm back, I flip through the manual to see what I should do.

Move your control stick to start the game.  Pick up treasures, weapons, spells, and other items... [they] will be briefly listed on the bottom of the game screen before being stored in your "bag".

There's also a note about the Supplies Screen, which ...always lists what you are presently carrying in your "bag".

Why the manual always puts the word "bag" in quotes, I don't know, but I fear the worst.

I realize that by pondering over my "bag", I am simply stalling.  Taking a deep breath, I move my beautifully rendered character and start exploring the unknown areas (the EIGHT LEVELS, MORE THAN A HUNDRED DUNGEONS AND SEVEN THOUSAND ROOMS of which the weak old man whispered in all caps).

No sooner than I do, a horrifying nightmare rushes from the gloom and attacks!

A small gray cat, fangs glowing in the half-light, pounces into view, snarling!  At least, I imagine its fangs are glowing in the half-light, for it is pouncing backwards at me, so my character can only see its butt. Also, it's pretty well lit down here, so never mind about the half-light and the gloom.  Still, terror!  I flee, but the cat continues its horrific attack, running at me, its legs moving so fast they seem to not be moving at all, its terrible tabbie tuckus just inches away as I run!

Perhaps you think me a coward for running, but I am simply following the cue of the adventurer in the story.   In just that small excerpt, his teeth chattered, his body shook, and he was frightened and trembling.  Who am I to impose my personality upon him?  So, I run away.  As I dash off into other unexplored areas, I discover that the dungeon is filled with other horrors from which to flee:

A moustache!  Run!

A big green shoe!  Run!

A working model of the human heart, or possibly some spaghetti!  Run!

A member of the Blue Man Group!

ATTACK!  KILL! KILL!!!

My fear washes away and a murderous rage takes over, inspired by just a glimpse of a member of the Blue Man Group.  Within moments, he lies dead, but my bloodlust is not to be contained.  Somewhere, I know, that in these EIGHT LEVELS, MORE THAN A HUNDRED DUNGEONS AND SEVEN THOUSAND ROOMS, the other two members of the Blue Man Group lurk, banging on plastic tubes, bulging their eyes, and making Intel commercials.

The old man had warned me about evil monsters and perilous traps... but he hadn't said word one about... choke... performance artists.

Well, I am no longer afraid.  I stalk the first of EIGHT LEVELS, MORE THAN A HUNDRED DUNGEONS AND SEVEN THOUSAND ROOMS, slaying monsters left and right.  Then, I spot what I think is another member of the Group!

It turns out to be just a giant, but a fiendishly clever one, because, while he is a giant, he is exactly the same height and build as I am.  Those giants, man.  They'll mess with your head.

Soon, I begin finding some priceless treasures as well...

A red rolling pin...

A gray fireplace poker...

And the fabled Heavily Starched Teal Cotton-Blend Sweater of Apshai!

I stuff all these items in my "bag".  Man.  Winky didn't have it this good.  Of course, Winky didn't have to deal with things like this:

A locked door.  I had been making real progress, but now this.  How in the world am I going to open it?  For all I know, directly on the other side, there's a man covered in blue paint, whaling on a section of PVC pipe, just begging to have a dagger rammed through his midsection... heck, maybe a member of Stomp is in there with him... and yet here I stand.  Helpless.  Could this be the end of my adventure?

I morosely check the instruction booklet for some mention of where I can find the keys to this locked portal:

KEYS:  You always have the key in your hand to each closed, visible door in the dungeon...

Well, I'll be gosh-darned.  Once again, hats-off.  Hats-off to you brilliant, lovable Coleco wizards.  In any other game, a locked door might pose a real obstacle to an adventurer, but those masterminds at ColecoVision have taken a stand and provided me, with real forethought and generosity, the key to each and every locked door in each and every level of EIGHT LEVELS, MORE THAN A HUNDRED DUNGEONS AND SEVEN THOUSAND ROOMS.

Kudos, my friends.  Kudos.

You know, it's this sort of ingenuity and foresight I worry about, when I think about the Future.  Will there someday be other games like Gateway to Apshai, which set a lone adventurer wandering though mysterious mazes of monsters and mayhem?  Will the programmers of those games (if said games ever come to fruition) put locked doors in the adventurer's path?  Will they be so kind and thoughtful as to provide the adventurer with the keys needed to open them?  Perhaps not.

I mean, in these fictitious games I'm visualizing, let's imagine there are different types of locked doors, perhaps color coded, such as, say, Blue, Red, and Yellow.  And, possibly, you'd need a key of the same color to open them.  And the whole success of the level would depend upon you finding the three keys to open the three doors, and progress to the next level, where you have to do the same thing all over again.  I mean, what sort of game would that be?

A bad one, by Geb's beard.  A bad one.  It could spell doom for the Future of home gaming, if you ask me.