(Note:  This telephone conversation is not a word-for-word transcript.  It is based on notes taken from a phone call I received while I was working as a receptionist, but I feel it is fairly accurate.)

(Another note:  Reading this conversation pains me.  Literally.  It causes an uncomfortable sensation, kind of like a constriction, in my chest.)

Ring.

 

ME:  "Good afternoon, City Sewer Department."

CALLER:  "Yes, is this the City Sewer Department?"

"Yes, it is."

"Yes. Ah..."

"Yes?"

"Okay, here’s the thing. What I, what I, who am I talking in to?"

"This is Chris."

"Chris, listen here."

"Okay."

"Now. I have two types of pipes running to my house. Right?"

"Uh... you.. have two pipes... running to your house?"

"Two pipes. Is that right?"

"Well, I don’t know sir."

"I have two pipes running to my... I pay the city..."

"Yes?"

"I have a service... the Water Bureau, ah, they pipe the water in and out of my house."

"Sir, why don’t you just ask me the ques-"

"Now, now, the Water Bureau runs the water in and out of my house. That-"

"Sir, sir, if... if you have a question-"

"I’m just trying to... Look, the Water Bureau..."

"Sir... Yes?"

"They run the water into and out of my house."

"Okay."

"And that is a service."

"Did you need to speak to the Water Bureau? I can connect you."

(Silence)

"Sir? This is the City Sewer. I can connect you to the Water Bureau. Sir?"

"The Water Bureau provides me... with a service."

"Sir, I- ah... yeah, okay?"

"Now. I pay the Water Bureau for that service."

"Uh-huh..."

"Because it is an actual service. They are doing a service for me."

"...Okay."

"Now. They send me a bill-"

"Okay."

"And I pay it. Got no problem paying for it. They provide me with a service. You follow?"

(Silence)

"Now. I also get a bill from the City Sewer."

(Silence)

"I get billed for the City Sewer for storm water discharge. Okay?"

"Yes. So you have a question-"

"I get billed for-"

"-about your sewer bill-"

"-storm water discharge and-"

"-I can transfer you to one of-"

"Now hold on-"

"-our customer service rep-"

"Now hold on! I’m trying to explain this to you."

"Right, well I-"

"I am trying to explain-"

"I have other lines-"

"Now. I get billed for rain drain discharge. Okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Now, here is the thing."

"Uh-huh."
"Here it is."

"OKAY."

"I don’t, I got, I don’t use the storm drains."

"Well, customer serv-"

"You see?"

"What?"

"The rain water from my property doesn’t drain to the city sewers."

"Okay, and you’re getting billed for it."

"What?"

"You’re getting billed for storm drain and you don’t have any. You don’t..."

(Silence)

"You feel... sir?"

"Yes."

"You feel that you are being unfairly billed for something you’re not using."

"Heh-heh-heh. Son..."

"Is that right?"

"Son... what’s your name?"

"Sir, ah... ah..."

"You see, son, they’re billing me."

"Yes."

"But there’s no service."

"Right, well, a customer service repres-"

"I am not finished."

"Sir, a, a customer... ah... yes? Yes?"

"I am not finished."

"Yes?"

"See, they’re billing me and they’re not, there’s no service there."

"Yes."

"You see."

"YES."

"I mean, heh-heh, why am I paying for that?"

"I... right."

"Why should I... the water drains into, into my property. I got no, it doesn’t drain into the sewer! Heh! Heh-heh! I mean, why am I paying for that?"

"Well..."

"Yes?"

"Can I give you to a customer service representative?"

"Well, no. I want to know why I should pay for this. It’s no service to me! I don’t, heh-heh! I don’t use the service? You see?"

"Yes, I understand. But I need-"

"It’s not a service!"

"Right. I get you."

"So, what’s gonna be done? I’m not gonna keep on, keep paying for it!"

"Right, I-I can’t help you myself, you need to speak to-"

"Well, I don’t want-"

"Sir, I am just the receptionist. I can’t-"

"My account number is zero four-"

"Sir. Sir."

"three one, uh?"

"Sir. I cannot access your account."

"What?"

"I’m just, I just answer the phones here. I can’t make changes to your account. The only people that can do that are our customer service representatives."

"Oh... cuz I’m not gonna keep paying for this."

"Yes. Sir? Let me transfer you to customer service. Todd is one of our representatives, he’ll-"

"Who?"

"Todd. He’ll be able to hel-"

"Oh, and that’s not all! I mean, I’ve lived here for twenty-three years, and-"

"Sir. Please, sir..."

"I mean, I just started getting charged for this, but-"

"Sir. God, please, sir, just let me... Todd..."

"Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this."

"Uhh... yeah..."

"I’ve lived here for twenty-three years."

"Whhhh..."

"In that time, I have never been billed for storm water discharge. So, my worry is... you there?"

"Uh-huh."

"My worry is, they’ll send me a bill for the last twenty-three years! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!"

(Silence)

"Okay, so you see, I gotta, it, uh... it has to be changed. My bill. I’m not, I’m not..."

"Sssss...ir?"

"I mean, heh, heh-heh! I mean, twenty-three years! That’s just, I’m not-"

"Sir, listen to me. I can’t... uhhhh... please let me give you to customer service. Todd. He’ll be able to help you. Okay? Hold on."

"Now, I’m not talking about, hello? I’m not-"

"Hold on sir, I’m transferring you to Todd, one of our-"

"I don’t ha-"

"Yeah, hang on."

"It’s not a serv-"

 

Click.

Back to Essays