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Sometimes,
I'll get an idea in my head, but I just can't get it to work. It
doesn't flow properly, it isn't funny, or it just plain comes out
badly. This is known as an update.
Ha ha
ha! But I kid me. There are times, though, when I'll sit down
with an idea for something and eventually decide to scrap it. Here
are a few updates or articles that I worked on for a bit before cutting or
abandoning them.
Deleted
(Unfinished) Scene I: Notes for my Stalker!
My apartment
was a complete mess one day because I had been emptying my closet in an
attempt to get organized. I had stuff in piles all over my room, and
in order to get around I had to take huge steps along the tiny islands of
clear space I had left. At some point, I wondered how I must look to
people outside when I walked around my apartment. I figured I could
parlay that into a hilarious list of helpful notes for a potential
stalker:
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Are you
stalking me? Planning on stalking me? If so, you might want to
read this handy guide to make your stalking experience more enjoyable!
While I'm
Home 1)
From your vantage point across the street, you may observe me
walking around my apartment in a rather odd manner. When I
cross a room, I take huge steps, lifting my knees nearly all the
way to my chin. Don't worry! I'm merely
stepping over huge piles of laundry
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And that's
as far as I got! I couldn't think of any other helpful notes for my
stalker, and I couldn't even finish that one. Instead, I ran an
update about how people are dumb. Deleted
(Abandoned) Scene II: Asteroid! Not
long ago, NASA told us of an asteroid that was due to hit our planet,
which led to the beginning of this update:
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By now, I'm sure you've all
heard the news. The horrible news.
It's all over. An
asteroid is going to hit the Earth.
In 878 years.
Maybe.
Actually, there's a 1-in-300
chance of it actually hitting us in 2880, but for the purposes of this exercise,
let's just say it's going to hit us. We're all gonna die. Well, not us,
we'll already be dead, but, like, the people 878 years from now.
They're screwed. Unless science can find away.
You know, it makes me
wonder.... what would a temp... in the year 2880... write on his website during
the week the asteroid was supposed to hit? Hmmmm.... I wonder....
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At this
point, I was going to provide a link to the Not My Desk website of the
future, written by a descendant of mine. As I wrote this, however, I
realized I'd have to create a new logo and basically redesign my page to
look more futuristic, at least comically so. That sounded like a lot
of work for a single update, and it was already late. I think
someday I'll do a NMD-of-the-future thing, but I couldn't pull it off this
time. Instead, I posted an update about how I was smarter than dumb
people. Deleted
Scene III: Differences! Here's
something I wrote about differences of opinion. I started this
because um... okay, I have no recollection of even writing this. But
I did, or tried to, for some reason.
Coke
or Pepsi? Dogs
or cats? McDonald's
or Burger King? The
mountains or the beach? These
are the questions that divide us as a people, that separate us far more
than religion, race, gender, or class. Sure,
there have been wars fought over religious and political differences, but
really, these have been founded on an "I'm right and you're
wrong" philosophy. But
if you're a Coke person, and someone else is a Pepsi person, it's not a
matter of "I'm right and you're wrong." It's a matter of
"I'm right and you're crazy." As
a Coke person myself, all I can think when someone says they prefer Pepsi
is "What the hell is wrong with you? You prefer that
way-too-sweet and under-carbonated swill to the perfection that is
Coca-Cola? Are you mad?" Dog
lovers and cat lovers may formulate more reasonable arguments for their
preferred pets, mostly boiling down to a difference between, for dog
lovers, loyalty and affection, and for cat lovers, independence and
complete disdain for all living things. But it still eventually
comes down to dog owners wondering why anyone would prefer an aloof animal
that doesn't fetch sticks, and cat owners wondering just what is so
appealing about saliva and huge, steamy droppings. The
McDonalds/Burger King debate is perhaps the most multi-faceted, because
it's not just about the burgers, BK's being plump and flame-broiledly
succulent, and Mickey D's being flat, fried and tasteless, but also about
fries, and if you want to really get into it, the whole Coke/Pepsi debate
again. I
doubt anyone has ever come to blows over the beach vs. mountains
debate. If you're going to enjoy the beach, you need to
have a good body, and if you're going to enjoy the mountains, you need to
have a well-functioning one. I have neither, so I usually just stay
home. |
Since I
can't recall writing this, I can't recall giving up on writing this, so I
can't offer you any further insight. Also, I can't recall what I ran
instead of this, but it was probably something about people being dumb and
how I don't like that.
Deleted (Unposted)
Scene IV: Feltman!
About a year
ago, I made public a little tiff with author and fellow temp Carol Feltman,
which resulted in a week's worth of e-mail from outraged readers of my
website, who leapt to defend me. But what I didn't make
public was my letter of apology to Ms. Feltman, after I'd realized she was
right and I was wrong.
Ha! As
if. I'd never apologize to that fusspot! And I was totally
right anyway.
But I still
have a deleted section from that week. I took a couple screenshots
of my inbox, because I was getting a lot of supportive e-mail with amusing
subject lines. I stuck them on a page but never posted them, but now
you can see them by clicking here!
They are three rather large images, so they may take a while to
load. Then come back and read the rest of this page, okay?
Deleted
(Humor Lacking) Scene V: News for Temps!
Every so
often I try to write some temp news. And I always fail. My
failures usually look like this:
Let
me guess. You want all the latest news about temping, but you
don't have the time to search for it yourself. No
problem! Thanks to NMD's patented temp-sniffing software, we'll
bring the news to you! Hm.
Temp-sniffing. Not a great choice of words. Anyway!
Let's check out what's happening in temping news across the globe! POLITICS:
Once again, those big-wig politicians are up to no good, it seems. I
don't really have anything to back that up. But you know those
big-wig politicians. HEALTH: BUSINESS:
Two of the three major indexes closed up on Nov. 19 by more than 20
percent from the three-year lows they hit Sept. 21, the Dow up by more
than 21 percent and the Nasdaq by 36 percent. The S&P 500 closed off
its Sept. 21 lows by more than 19 percent that day. They have held close
to those levels since then, with the Dow up 19.8% at 9872.60, the Nasdaq
up 36% at 1935.97 and the S&P 500 up 19% at 1149.50 as of the close
Tuesday. No
temps were harmed. SCIENCE:
Cloning is once again making headlines! Scientists have cloned a
human embryo, and are preparing to push it through a piece of fabric to
see if it will reassemble itself and... oh, wait, no. As
always, there are moral and ethical questions concerning cloning, and
government and religion alike have come down hard against the
practice. Temps need to make a stand against cloning as well.
Considering the job situation these days, do temps really need even more
competition? A clone temp agency could hire a single temp, clone him
a thousand times, and send him to every single available job
interview. WEATHER:
High temps in the mid 60s can be expected for Los Angeles and San
Diego. Lotta middle-aged pot-smokers on the west coast, looks
like. And, in Cleveland, headlines read: "Cold front will put a
freeze on warm temps." Well, duh. In
the Bay Area, a weather abnormality. Meteorologists, using satellite
technology, have spotted a tiny raincloud, no bigger than a basketball,
hovering over one temp's head, everywhere he goes. |
Deleted
(Uncompleted) Scene VI: God!
I thought
I'd try writing some goofy stuff about God not long ago. I
eventually gave up, and it had nothing to do with the 46 consecutive
lightning bolts that struck my apartment.
The point
I'd hoped to (eventually) make in this deleted update was that God, if
he's out there, must be really bored with us. I was thinking about
the laws of physics and the universe and how everything works and how
complicated everything is, and about how we've only just begun to start
understanding it all. And then I figured, if God actually came up
with all of this stuff, he must be a genius. And then I figured, he
must be so sick of waiting for us to figure it all out. Just
think how impatient you get waiting for the person in front of you at the
store to figure out that the door says "PUSH" and not
"PULL" on it, then times it by a few billion years.
Anyway, I
had started this around the time I posted something I wrote about the
archer fish, which had inadvertent pro-creationist overtones, and, since this
piece has deliberate anti-creationist overtones, I thought people
might construe it as me trying to cover my ass. So, I never bothered
finishing it, and here it is in its non-entirety.
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So. This God fellow
I've been hearing so much about lately. What is God? Who
is God? What the hell is his deal, anyway?
(Just a quick word to my female readers.
While I speak of God, I will be referring to him as a he. I apologize to
women everywhere, as I have no direct proof that God is not a she.
He may very well be, although the existence of pantyhose and the details of the
menstrual cycle and, hell, the whole pain of childbirth, all suggest strongly
that God doesn't like you chicks a whole lot. Of course, women can be kinda
catty, so maybe that's it. But, for the purposes of this bit, I'm going to
call God a he. No offense intended; I, for one, think you ladies are doing a
super job out there! Keep it up!)
(Another quick note for everyone: you may notice
I am not capitalizing words like "him" and "his" when I
speak about God. My logic is this: God, if he exists, and is reading this,
already knows he's a badass. He doesn't need my
reinforcement. In fact, I even prayed to God, and said "God, if you
have a problem with me not capitalizing words like "him" and
"his", and if that, like, totally bugs you, then send me some sort of sign,
like maybe a hot leggy brunette dressed up like a candy striper to give me a
full physical examination, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, because
you're God, and because I'm making these crude yet descriptive hand gestures."
And nothing happened. Well. I mean, yes,
an incredibly gorgeous woman with a perfect body in a candy striper outfit
materialized out of thin air and proceeded to pleasure me in every single sexual
manner possible in this world or any other, and then vanished into thin air when
we were done (roughly four minutes later). But, she was a blonde.
So, I figured it was just a coincidence.)
It's impossible to talk about God without
talking about the universe. At least, it's impossible for me. It's
obviously possible for CERTAIN POPES I COULD MENTION (and I'm not singling out
anyone here). So, really, I can kill two birds with one stone.
I'll be honest with you: Creationism just
doesn't do it for me. Not only is it silly, but I think it's a real insult
to God. Consider the intricacies of the universe, the laws of nature, the
quantum doodads of physics... it's very complex stuff.
So, we'll go with the big bang theory as being
a pretty good one, and evolution sounding sensible. Where does this leave
God, exactly?
Well, first of all, it leaves God as an
incredible genius. I mean, sheez! How did he think of all that
stuff? He's gotta be smart, way, way smarter than even the smartest
human. Look how long it's taken us to figure even basic stuff out.
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Deleted
(Lame) Scene VII: Office Humor!
Here's one I
completely wrote the intro for before I realized I couldn't make the
actual humor part work at all.
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I was sitting around reading a
Dilbert cartoon collection the other day, and I realized how nice it would be if
I were as successful as Scott Adams, the creator of the Dilbert strip. I
mean, we have a few things in common: we both work crappy jobs (well, I
still do), and we both mine them for office humor.
Yet, he has become a
multi-billionaire and his strip is all over the place, while I'm still
relatively obscure. I obviously needed to figure out why he has such an
edge over me. So, I got off the toilet, and started thinking about it.
Finally, it came to me:
accessibility. Dilbert is accessible. You can read a comic strip and
get to the humor in a matter of seconds, whereas my stuff takes a lot longer to
read, and sometimes the humor is hidden so craftily it seems as if there is none
present at all.
Of course, I can't draw worth a
damn, so I
can't make my own strip. (And despite what many people say, including
Adams himself, I think he draws just fine.) Still, though, I think it
may have more to do with the presentation of ideas, the up-front nature of the
humor that I am missing. I mean, tons of people clip out Dilbert cartoons
and stick them on their cubicles. And people can read it as they walk
by. Even if someone were to print out one of my columns and stick it to
their wall, who is going to walk by and stop to read 47 paragraphs about pesky
copiers?
What I need to do, I decided,
was write up some easy-to-read office humor. Maybe a list of some
sort. The kind of thing people will print out and tape to their wall and
forward to their friends.
So, I gave it a few
tries. I thought I'd go with the "What your boss says, and
what your boss really means" angle, which seems rife with humor
opportunities.
Let me know what you
think! I took three different approaches, and while they might not all
work for everyone, surely there's one you'd like to print out and hang on your
cubicle wall.
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What your boss SAYS and what your boss really MEANS!!!!
Do you have one of those bosses? You know,
the kind who says things, but he means something completely different?
Here's a guide to what your boss says and what he really means.
Because, when he says something, he means something else!
And this will tell you what he really means when he says
things! That he doesn't mean!
Your boss says: "Make me a copy of this!"
Your boss means: "Make me a copy of this because I'm FAT and LAZY
and a total ASSHOLE who can't do anything but sit here SCRATCHING MY BALLS ALL
DAY and I'm BALD and UGLY and have TERRIBLE BREATH and I SHOULD JUST BE
SHOT."
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Your boss says: "Get me some coffee!"
Your boss means: "Get me some coffee because I'm FAT and
LAZY and a total ASSHOLE who can't do anything but sit here SCRATCHING MY BALLS
ALL DAY and I'm BALD and UGLY and have TERRIBLE BREATH and I SHOULD JUST BE SHOT
and I'm a PERVERT who MOLESTS DUCKS all day."
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Your boss says: "Get Bob on the phone for me!"
Your boss means: "Get me Bob on the phone for me because
I'm FAT and LAZY and a total ASSHOLE who can't do anything but sit here
SCRATCHING MY BALLS ALL DAY and I'm BALD and UGLY and have TERRIBLE BREATH and I
SHOULD JUST BE SHOT and I'm a PERVERT who MOLESTS DUCKS all day and I CAN'T DIAL
A PHONE because my STUPID BIG UGLY FINGERS DON'T WORK and in addition to
MOLESTING DUCKS I also MOLEST OYSTERS."
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I have no
idea what I was on when I wrote that, but it wasn't working.
Deleted
(Recycled) Scene VIII: Truth!
This
abandoned piece is what led to the theme week you are suffering through
right now! Take a look:
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I've had a few conversations lately
about the nature of this website. Is it a weblog? An online journal?
A humor column? I don't really care all that much, but it's interesting to
get people's takes on it. I've always considered
it to be mostly an online journal, because I generally wind up talking about my day in
what I consider a truthful if somewhat jokey and exaggerated manner. Also,
it's in journal format. Then again, I
also have features (I'm using the term loosely) like tempchat or Vision of the Future (semi-retired),
which you normally don't see in online journals.
Also, I lie. Sometimes,
yes, I lie.
They aren't big lies. For
instance, I
might take something that happened a week or a month ago and say it happened
yesterday, just to make the column feel a bit more relevant
or whatever. Sometimes I'll combine events for more comedy humor
jokes. So, here is today's column, presented with New Extra-Strength
TruthTags(tm). Sponsored by CHEETOS. Enjoy!
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I appear to be the only smoker
[LIE: There is one other smoker] at my current job [LIE: I am not
currently at this job]. This makes things a little awkward for me.
There is a smoking area out back [LIE: it's more on the side of the building
than outback] Yesterday
[LIE: The events in this story took place well over a year ago] I went
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My TruthTags
sucked, I thought, but it started me thinking about creating some sort of
commentary for an update. I thought about writing an update, with
commentary or footnotes, which led me to the idea of creating a
"Director's Cut" of an update and including deleted sections,
and then I thought I'd make a whole week out of the idea. The
update I was applying the TruthTags to became the essay called
"Fired", and incidentally, the first TruthTag is a lie in
itself. I was the only smoker, but since I was using
TruthTags, I needed to come up with more lies, so I lied. See how
hard my job is? Okay,
that's it for the Deleted Scenes! Um... bye! Back
to Not My Desk |
