In case you've never taken a test online before, you will be given a question, and some choices will be listed underneath it, next to these little circles .  Simply put your mouse pointer inside the circle of your choice, and click your mouse button.

I had no idea how to create these little buttons, which I think are called "radio" buttons, so again, I stole HTML from zompist, who had used them on a page somewhere.  I can't recall where.  But I know I stole it from him.

Practice area: 

If you want to change your answer, simply click in a different circle.

Practice area 2:   

Also, with no warning I may switch from circles... to CHECKBOXES:    HA HA HA!  Then what will you do?  Huh?  Huh, smarty?

Sorry.

Okay, all set?  You sure?  Then.... wait for it.... begin!

Some of these questions I wrote before I even had the site.  When I was planning my Not My Desk book, I wanted to have a joke quiz near the end, and that's where some of these questions came from.

1. A co-worker approaches you and says: "Hey, working hard or hardly working?"  You should:
laugh politely
jab at his/her eyes with a sharpened pencil (politely)
weep openly
shake head, smile, begin ascent up bell tower

2. You have a large pile of work in front of you, and only two hours to complete it.  You should quickly and without hesitation begin to stare at:
the wall
the floor
the ceiling
the other wall

3. The phone rings, and you answer it.  The caller asks you something that you cannot understand because he has an angry ferret stuffed in his mouth.  This ferret is:
a mammal
a marsupial
a tutorial
not really a ferret at all, but a metaphor for the fact that Chris has to deal with people that can't speak properly on a daily basis

4. You are having trouble with the fax machine.  The fax machine was invented by:
Johann Facsimile
John Crapper
a being of unimaginable evil, like Satan or Anthony Robbins
a marsupial

5.  You have received an invoice that is difficult to read.  The dollar amount is smudged and there is no phone number for the company printed.  You call directory assistance to obtain the number for the company, but when you call the number, an automated recording asks for an extension.  You press zero for the switchboard operator, who asks which department you wish to speak to.  You tell her you need to speak to someone in accounting, yet when she transfers you, there is no one at the desk, and you are forced to leave a message.  You care cut off in mid-message, and have to perform the entire operation again.  When you get home from work you should probably:
drink heavily 

6. You are at an interview.
I am?
No, I'm not.
a marsupial
Is this almost over?

7. Your supervisor, whom you like and respect very much but who thinks you never do any work, doesn't come by your cubicle for days at a time.  When he/she actually does stop by, you have just completed a long stretch of demanding work and have only just started to:
flip through a magazine
make a personal call
play computer solitaire
eat a candy bar
remove your pants
stuff petty cash into a sack
This is a trick question:  I have never worked for anyone I've liked or respected

Believe it or not, I actually had a supervisor I completely liked.  She was great, smart, funny, and all I wanted to do was work hard to impress her.  I could work diligently for hours, but as soon as I stopped to do something listed above, she would walk by.  I don't think she ever actually saw me working.

8. You step onto an elevator with someone you don't know.  You should say something witty and intelligent, like:
"Boy, this elevator is slow."
"This elevator is really slow."
"Can you believe the slowness of this elevator?"
"This elevator falls into a category of what I would have to define as not particularly fast, such as 'slow'."

Well, what the hell else is there to talk about on an elevator?  I do this too.

9.  Variations on that elevator joke have appeared on this site: 
a lot
daily
why don't you just call it notmyelevatorjoke.com, dude
oh, it's supposed to be a joke?

I try to defuse my critics by beating them to the punch.  I do this a lot.  Hell, this commentary started with "I'm Chris, the writer of this website, and I'll be talking about some stuff that you couldn't care less about!"  It's a pre-emptive defense mechanism!

10. Which words or phrases should be punishable by death?
"proactive"
"touch base"
"FYI"
"up to speed"
"Whazzzzzzzzup?"
"fuggedaboudit"
"Spencer Johnson, M.D."
any word spoken aloud that is accompanied by finger quotes
"all of the above"
all of the above

11. This is the proper order of your day:
wake up / go to work / work / go home / sleep
wake up / go to work / pretend to work / take a three-hour lunch break / go home / drink / sleep
go to work / wake up / play FreeCell / drink / sleep / go home
go into work late / vomit in employee restroom / chain-smoke at desk / scuffle with mailroom guy named "Tad" / steal a keyboard / pass out in gutter outside of Winn-Dixie
skip work / rent porn

12. True or False?
True
False
Six
a marsupial

13. The definition of Hell is: 
when you are taking a break, and some woman you don't know insists on graphically describing her pet cat's urinary infection to you
and the TV in the break-room is tuned to Guiding Light with the volume up real loud
plus it's only 10:15am on Monday
that about covers it, I think

14.  Which of the following items have been promised to appear on this site, but never did:
The Gallery of Forgotten Post-It Notes
A Cheese Week update
Competent HTML
My naked ass

I promise a lot of things that I never deliver (although I did come through with the Cheese Week update eventually).  Something I mentioned a while back was called "7:F", and it was going to be a seven day theme week that would make me famous (not really).  Thing was, I had an idea for a cool Flash intro for it.  I've never used Flash, and it costs a ton, so I downloaded their 30-day trial version, figuring I could learn it and do my little intro inside of 30 days.  However, the trial expired before I even got around to playing with it, so I gave up on 7:F right then and there. 7:F (7 days to Fame was what it stood for) was going to be a series of steps, like Day One: Controversy, Day Two: Promotion, Day Three: Crushing the Competition, Day Four: Scandal, etc.

15. You are taking a lame-ass quiz.  You are:
bored
a marsupial
Treat Williams
False

16. The letters in T.E.M.P. stand for:
Temporary Employee?  Man.  Pathetic.
Total Ennui, Might Puke
Tenacity.  Energy.  Motivation.  Pride. (this answer is incorrect)
Take Elvis My Pie

17. You find the picture below to be:

  
funny
scary
arousing
I just checked, and there is simply no adjective to fully describe how I feel

Just noticed that picture is linked to Skillz Week instead of Fitness Week, like it should be.  Oops.

18. True or False:  The capitol of France is:
True.
Huh?
Isn't that a fill in the blank?
Who cares?  It's France.

Picking on France is pretty basic stuff.  I actually went to France once (although I stayed in Paris the whole time), and the French folk I met there were great.  Most of my true-life loathing for the French comes from several French people I've met and known in this country.

19. Remember when I said I'd switch to checkboxes?  With no warning?  Remember?
Sigh.  Yeah.
Didn't you just give warning?
You didn't even change this one, dummy.
You spend a lot of time alone. I can tell.

20. Which of these, when you really think about them for a few minutes, seem incredibly absurd?
The fact that we're all made up of mostly water, but we can't pour ourselves down drains and stuff
That they can put a man on the moon, but I can't get a decent Frogurt.
France
That when I say the name "Sinbad", you all know exactly who I am talking about

That's it!  Click on the button below to submit your answers for grading!

Practice Area 3: