also visit:
oxen.net
the
word of the day
My sidebar was getting longer and longer. I wound up dreading
Mondays, because sometimes I couldn't think of updates long enough to be
as long as the sidebar was, and it looked funny if the main part was
shorter than the sidebar. |
|
Huge thanks
to stileproject.com. Web traffic has been booming as a result of a link to
this site appearing at The Stile Project, and I am most grateful.
Please note,
however: the link to the left, stileproject.com, contains images and words
of a graphic, adult, sometimes shocking nature. If you are offended
easily, you may not want to visit The Stile Project. It could turn you
into a serial killer or something. Really.
|
Stile Project. Oy.
Okay. Stile Project, if you don't know, is an adult site with tons
of porn and gruesome horrible things on it. The guy who runs it had
a little Top 100 Sites thing going on, where he'd link you if you linked
him, and since he was immensely popular, I decided to do it. This
all came about because one day I looked at my webstats and saw that only 8
people had visited my site on a Saturday. I needed to do something
to attract readers.
So, for a couple
weeks, I linked him and managed to stay on his Top 100. Most of the
other sites were porn and stuff like that, and it amused me greatly so see
my temping humor site managing to hang in there on the list. My
parents, however, were concerned that I was associating with this hideous
porn/violence/death site, especially since some of our family members,
such my great aunt Doris, were visiting my site might be offended by
stile's stuff. I saw their point. Still, I defended my choice,
and at the time, I even thought stile was a good writer who had a lot of
interesting things to say, particularly about society and
censorship. I kept the link and put the warning up there, which I
really should have done in the first place. Anyway, these days stile
seems to have nothing to say at all, and his site is mainly flashing
things and advertising and internal links that open in new windows and
poor attempts to trick you into clicking on ads. Crap, in other
words. Oh well. He still sent me a ton of traffic for those
couple of weeks, and I still appreciate it.
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8-18-00 - Don't I Hate You From
Somewhere? - Part Two
Continuing the short list of people you
will find at each and every temp job:
The Mom
- Name: Jean
- Number of kids: Unknown, possibly thirty
- Intelligence of kids: Too high to calculate
- Favorite topic: Guess
- Favorite Holiday: Bring Your Kids To Work Day
(observed daily)
- Is: Always leaving work to drive them somewhere
- How she gets away with this: I don't know
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I worked with a woman who
had had four kids, in rapid succession, while she worked there (I arrived
at the job after she'd had her fourth kid). I'm
not saying people shouldn't have a bunch of kids, really, but holy
crap. If this woman ever put in a full day's work, I sure as hell
never saw it. I know it must be hard juggling a career and a family
(I can't even juggle one of those), but she was in late every day because
she had to drop kids off at daycare, took several hours for lunch to take
them places and go shopping for them, and
left early to pick them up. Not to mention all the half-days and
doctor's appointments and stuff like that. Plus, the months and
months (and months) of maternity leave. It really wasn't fair to anyone else who
worked there, because we constantly had to pick up her slack and cover her
phones and do all her work. She was the lead admin of the office and
she was never there! And hell, why don't those of us who have chosen
not to have kids get some kind of reward? Something comparable
to maternity leave, or at least the cash equivalent? I wouldn't
dream of taking maternity leave (or paternity leave, for that matter) away
from anyone, but I think it's
discrimination against the child-free people not to give them something
simply because they don't have kids. Or maybe I just want to get
paid for doing nothing. |
The Babe/The Stud
- Name: Michelle/Brad
- Genus: Fox/Aryan
- Has nice: Scent/Hair
- Has really nice: Breasts/Car
- Has bad: Scruples/Personality
- Likes: Zima/Golf
- Scores: More than you/Way more than you
- Dislikes: Women/Intelligent Women
The Religious Guy
- Name: Craig; Dave
- Favorite item of clothing: Jesus cap
- Devoted to: The Lord
- Hates: His wife; His kids; Minorities
- Generous with: Tickets to religious events; advice
- Medical background: Has diagnosed homosexuality as a
disease
- Favorite saying: "I'll pray for you."
|
I worked with this guy at
Nickelodeon. I think Dave was his actual name. Man, what a
complete prick he was. Everything up there is completely true. |
The Guy You Can't Respond To
- Name: Harvey; Hank; Hal
- Similar to: Obnoxious Comment Guy, only nicer
- Habits: Will make a friendly statement in passing
that is impossible to reply to, such as: "What's the good word?"
- Your only possible reaction: Smile; shrug
- Walks: Away before you can respond
- P.S.: What the hell is the good word, anyway?
The Grubby Mailroom Girl Who Makes You Uncomfortable
- Name: Beth; Deb
- Appearance: Well, grubby
- Routine: Has no desk, is constantly using yours
- Location: A little too close to you
- Goal: To invite you to lunch
- Technique: Asks you several times daily from a
distance of two millimeters
- Danger: Can spot lies
- Is: Very direct
- Is not: Keen on washing, apparently
Scattered Species
The Woman Way Too Into Astrology
The Guy Who Raps his Knuckles on Your Desk Each and
Every Time he Walks by
"Tod"
|
Tod (or Todd) and Cathy
(or Kathy, Cathee, Kathie, etc) are names I use all the time, mostly in my
temping essays. One or two people have written asking why that
is. It all has to do with paranoia.
When I started writing
my essays (before the site existed), I'd write one a week and send them to
people. They'd generally say "Great essay!" or whatever,
which made me feel good. Of course, it occurred to me at some point
that they might be getting sick of the stuff I was sending, and not
actually be reading them any more. So, to test this theory out, I
named all the women some variation of Cathy and called all the guys Tod or
Todd, figuring that if they were actually reading the essays, they'd ask
me why I was doing that. That's how damned paranoid and insecure I can
get. Man. I think I need serious professional help.
|
And lest anyone think I am being unfair, I have included
one last person you may be unlucky enough to encounter...
The Temp
- Name: Chris; New Guy
- Looks: Confused
- Is: Confused
- Mental State: Confusion; Horror; Sleepiness
- Common response: "Huh?"
- What he's most ashamed of: His polite laugh
- What he's most proud of: He always has a pen
- Advantage: Photographic memory
- Disadvantage: Out of film
|
Stole this from my friend
whose teacher used to accuse her of having a photographic memory with no
film in the camera. The only kind of photographic memory I have is
for faces. I never, ever, EVER forget a face. I can remember
the face of a woman who cut my hair ONCE when I was about four. And
I saw someone at a cafe last year who I recognized. After thinking about
it for a few minutes, I remembered we had sat across from each other on an
airplane about six years ago. I'm convinced that someday my ability
to remember faces will come in handy. |
- His dark secret: Can't really type
|
I can't touch-type
properly. I just kind of hunt-n-peck at high speed and don't have to
look down a whole lot. I almost failed typing in high school because
I'd never practice, but I got my grade up to a 'C' for doing a video
project for the business department. |
- Beware: He's got a website.
Did I
leave anyone out? Of course I did! Write in and advise me of any
I've missed, and I'll post the best suggestions.
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e-mail:
temp@notmydesk.com
8-17-00 - Don't I Hate You From
Somewhere? - Part One
 I
was recently glancing through one of my temping books. Like most of the
others, this book makes temping out to be an exciting and diverse career choice,
and attempts to prove this by citing specific examples, such as the fact that
temps, nomads of the workforce that they are, have the opportunity to meet
hundreds of different people over the course of dozens of jobs.
I agree and disagree with this.
Yes, you'll work dozens of jobs. Yes, you'll meet hundreds of people. But you
won't meet any different people. You'll just meet the same ten or twelve people hundreds of
times.
|
This doctored photo of Al
Gore generated my first piece of angry e-mail. I do see the
implication that the heading "Don't I Hate You..." directly
above the picture of Al Gore could be taken as me hating Al Gore, but I
didn't (and don't) hate him. They weren't meant to be
connected. I just wanted to use that picture somewhere. My
bad. Anyway, I got a huffy e-mail from someone about what a great
man Gore is, point by point.
I think it took me
about 17 hours to get those words on the pad, there. |
I've been there. I've met them. I've
written them down.
With few exceptions, here are the people
you will find in any and every office in America (Part One).
The Boss
- Name: Bob (always)
- Height: Intimidating
- Nature: Inherently evil
- Positive traits: Will never speak to you
- Negative Traits: Will walk by when you're doing
something embarrassing, such as scratching yourself, repairing your tie with a
stapler, or weighing your arm on the mailroom postage scale
- Identifying Features: Pockmarks for that extra-evil
look
|
I got caught doing all
those things by various bosses. I think the worst was when I was
weighing my arm on the scale. I was just completely zoning out and
didn't realize I was doing it. What a dumbass. I just wonder
what he thought when he saw me. Maybe he did it too when no one was
around. |
The Boss's Secretary
- Name: Gloria; Susan
- Age: Old
- Arrives at: 4:30 AM
- Complains about: Everything
- Choice of Calendar: Infants dressed as tomatoes
- Superpower: Can mess up any book or movie title, no
matter how simple (M is for Burglar; The Man Who Doesn't Have Any Face)
- Will miss work for: Rubber Stamp-Art Convention
The Receptionist
- Name: Dottie; Terri
- Size: Large
- Likes: Personal phone calls
- Confused by: Computers
- Offensive strategy: Knows everything about everyone
- Defensive Strategy: Smells like cooked meat
|
I had to share a desk
with a British woman named Rita for a number of weeks. She was very
sweet but fairly helpless, and she didn't smell good. At all.
Bleah. Elsewhere on the site, I mention someone calling tech support
because there were crumbs on their mousepad, and that was her. |
- Weakness: Fabio paraphernalia
Obnoxious Comment Guy
- Name: Frank; Chuck
- Habits: Will make stupid comments with no signs of
remorse
- Weapon of choice: Repetition
- Upon walking into a crowded break-room: "Hey, it's a party! Why
wasn't I invited?"
- Upon being in an elevator with someone with food: "If the elevator gets stuck, will you share that?"
- Upon seeing you: "Working hard, or hardly
working?"
- Latest addition: "WHASSSSUP?"
- Refers to coffee as: Regular or Unleaded
- Object he should be beaten with: Bat; big rock
- Aka: Guy Who Will Never Know the Touch of a Woman
Perky Gal
- Name: Kaitney; Kaitlyn; Kim
- Aka: Katie-Bear; Kimmy
- Attitude: Seemingly inconceivable happiness
- Shrill/Not Shrill: Shrill
- Musical Equivalent: The B52's
- Your first impression: "Boy, she's happy."
- About a week later: "No one should be that
happy, dammit."
- What you'll feel guilty about: Wanting to punch her
The Guy Who Hates You
- Name: Dan; Lee
- Identifying expressions: Scowl; glare; frown
- General Vibe: Hatred
- How much he hates you: A lot
- Why he hates you: Unknown
- Mood on bad day: Angry
- Mood on a good day: Seething
- Who he's nice to: Everyone but you
|
There was this guy, Lee,
at a job I had in Portland. And Jesus, did he ever hate me.
And I don't know why. I don't think I particularly care if people
like me, but I can't stand it when someone seems to hate me, especially if
it's for no reason. So, I tried everything short of donating an
internal organ to not make him hate me. Nothing worked. |
The Incomprehensible Foreign Person
- First name: Ixhyl; Bing-Chon
- Last Name: Hndjaaadjhalli; Ng
- Calls himself: Joe
- Where he's from: Unknown
- What he does: Unknown
- Just what the hell he's saying: Unknown
|
This seems kinda racist
to me now. But shit, the guy I based this on was an IT guy, and
damned if I could understand a word out of him. |
The Weird Girl
- Name: Pigeon; Moon
- Drives: Original VW Bug
- Attire: Flowered dress; boots
- Glasses: Horn-rimmed
- Smokes: Cloves
- Reads: Auras, palms, Rumi
- Instructs others on: Desktop Feng-Shui
- Religion she'll constantly remind you she
participates in: Pagan
- Shaves armpits: Maybe, maybe not
Scattered Species:
The Guy in the Elevator Who
Nose-Whistles Louder than the Philharmonic
The Woman With The Incredibly Amazing
Body and the Incredibly Hideous Face
|
This comment comes from
when I worked in a bookstore in Marin County, California, where a lot of
extremely wealthy older people live. And you'd see a woman looking
at the magazines with her back to you, and she looked like she was about
19. When she'd turn around, she was about 78. It was
weird. A lot of plastic surgery going on there.
Speaking of which, there
was one male customer who shopped at that store, and my friend Kris knew
him a little and would talk to him. At some point, the customer had
a sex-change operation and started coming to the store as a woman.
Which brings up a point of etiquette... if you are acquainted with someone
who suddenly changes sex, what do you do? Do you pretend they are
someone new you haven't seen before? Do you act like you do when
someone changes their hairstyle? I wouldn't know how to handle that
at all.
That's all for this
illuminating page: click here for the next
one!
|
The Guy Who Walks Backwards Down the
Hall While Carrying on a Shouting Conversation With His Pal and Bumps Into You
While You're Carrying Something Heavy
Tomorrow: More of the same!
BACK
TO TOP
e-mail:
temp@notmydesk.com
8-14-00 -
Something Old, Something New
Regular
visitors: You may notice a new link to the left. For those of you
out there who aren't familiar with the Stile Project... well, all I'll say is it's not exactly safe to visit while
you're at work. He's got a
link-exchange thing going on, so I'm jumping right in.
For
anyone who may have wandered over here from the Haus of Stile, welcome to Not
My Desk, the only temping site on the internet that you happen to be
looking at right now.
Something
new: A section called My Desk, where I
am going to stick any content that's not temp-related. Right now, there's not
much there, but give me a few weeks, and then a few more, and it should be
filled to the brim.
For
instance, check out a Vision of the
Future. Forget about Playstation 2, forget about Nintendo Dolphin, and
definitely forget
about Microsoft X-Box. I've seen the future of home electronic gaming...
and it's a vision.
Now, some
old stuff. If it's
your first time here, let's jump right in with a little temp-related recap from the past few months:
Female
temps: You can get much more out of your temp jobs than just ulcers and a puny paycheck.
It's also a great source of dates. Take
a look at some potential companions you might find on your next assignment.
Ever
question your purpose in life? Ever wonder if you're making a
difference? Ever feel like you could be doing more? I do, whenever
I hear my boss dictating into his tape recorder. (This link
contains a large sound-file, so make sure your speakers are on.)
The
memo from Hell. Written by the assistant manager of a bookstore,
no less, this memo may cause you to question your current belief
system. And it's real. Also, why not check out the rest of the memo
gallery while you're here? Or a few essays?
Don't worry, Stile's poop videos will still be there when you get back.
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e-mail:
temp@notmydesk.com
ARCHIVES
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