also visit:

the word of the day

Huge thanks to stileproject.com.  Web traffic has been booming as a result of a link to this site appearing at The Stile Project, and I am most grateful.

Please note, however:  the link to the left, stileproject.com, contains images and words of a graphic, adult, sometimes shocking nature.  If you are offended easily, you may not want to visit The Stile Project.  It could turn you into a serial killer or something.  Really.

8-18-00 - Don't I Hate You From Somewhere? - Part Two

Continuing the short list of people you will find at each and every temp job:

Name: Jean

Number of kids: Unknown, possibly thirty

Intelligence of kids: Too high to calculate

Favorite topic: Guess

Favorite Holiday: Bring Your Kids To Work Day (observed daily)

Is:  Always leaving work to drive them somewhere

How she gets away with this: I don't know

Name: Michelle/Brad

Genus: Fox/Aryan

Has nice: Scent/Hair

Has really nice: Breasts/Car

Has bad: Scruples/Personality

Likes: Zima/Golf

Scores: More than you/Way more than you

Dislikes: Women/Intelligent Women

Name: Craig; Dave

Favorite item of clothing: Jesus cap

Devoted to: The Lord

Hates: His wife; His kids; Minorities

Generous with: Tickets to religious events; advice

Medical background: Has diagnosed homosexuality as a disease

Favorite saying: "I'll pray for you."

Name: Harvey; Hank; Hal

Similar to: Obnoxious Comment Guy, only nicer

Habits: Will make a friendly statement in passing that is impossible to reply to, such as:  "What's the good word?"

Your only possible reaction: Smile; shrug

Walks: Away before you can respond

P.S.: What the hell is the good word, anyway?

Name: Beth; Deb

Appearance: Well, grubby

Routine: Has no desk, is constantly using yours

Location: A little too close to you

Goal: To invite you to lunch

Technique: Asks you several times daily from a distance of two millimeters

Danger: Can spot lies

Is: Very direct

Is not: Keen on washing, apparently

And lest anyone think I am being unfair, I have included one last person you may be unlucky enough to encounter...

Name: Chris; New Guy

Looks: Confused

Is: Confused

Mental State: Confusion; Horror; Sleepiness

Common response: "Huh?"

What he's most ashamed of: His polite laugh

What he's most proud of: He always has a pen

Advantage: Photographic memory

Disadvantage: Out of film

His dark secret: Can't really type

Beware: He's got a website.

Did I leave anyone out?  Of course I did!  Write in and advise me of any I've missed, and I'll post the best suggestions.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

8-17-00 - Don't I Hate You From Somewhere? - Part One

I was recently glancing through one of my temping books.  Like most of the others, this book makes temping out to be an exciting and diverse career choice, and attempts to prove this by citing specific examples, such as the fact that temps, nomads of the workforce that they are, have the opportunity to meet hundreds of different people over the course of dozens of jobs. 

I agree and disagree with this. 

Yes, you'll work dozens of jobs. Yes, you'll meet hundreds of people. But you won't meet any different people. You'll just meet the same ten or twelve people hundreds of times. 

I've been there. I've met them. I've written them down. 

With few exceptions, here are the people you will find in any and every office in America (Part One).

Name: Bob (always)

Height: Intimidating

Nature: Inherently evil

Positive traits: Will never speak to you

Negative Traits: Will walk by when you're doing something embarrassing, such as scratching yourself, repairing your tie with a stapler, or weighing your arm on the mailroom postage scale

Identifying Features: Pockmarks for that extra-evil look

Name: Gloria; Susan

Age: Old

Arrives at: 4:30 AM

Complains about: Everything

Choice of Calendar: Infants dressed as tomatoes

Superpower: Can mess up any book or movie title, no matter how simple (M is for Burglar; The Man Who Doesn't Have Any Face)

Will miss work for: Rubber Stamp-Art Convention

Name: Dottie; Terri

Size: Large

Likes: Personal phone calls

Confused by: Computers

Offensive strategy: Knows everything about everyone

Defensive Strategy: Smells like cooked meat

Weakness: Fabio paraphernalia

Name: Frank; Chuck

Habits: Will make stupid comments with no signs of remorse

Weapon of choice: Repetition

Upon walking into a crowded break-room: "Hey, it's a party! Why wasn't I invited?"

Upon being in an elevator with someone with food: "If the elevator gets stuck, will you share that?"

Upon seeing you:  "Working hard, or hardly working?"

Latest addition:  "WHASSSSUP?"

Refers to coffee as: Regular or Unleaded

Object he should be beaten with: Bat; big rock

Aka: Guy Who Will Never Know the Touch of a Woman

Name: Kaitney; Kaitlyn; Kim

Aka: Katie-Bear; Kimmy

Attitude: Seemingly inconceivable happiness

Shrill/Not Shrill: Shrill

Musical Equivalent: The B52's

Your first impression: "Boy, she's happy."

About a week later: "No one should be that happy, dammit."

What you'll feel guilty about: Wanting to punch her

Name: Dan; Lee

Identifying expressions: Scowl; glare; frown

General Vibe: Hatred

How much he hates you: A lot

Why he hates you: Unknown

Mood on bad day: Angry

Mood on a good day: Seething

Who he's nice to: Everyone but you

First name: Ixhyl; Bing-Chon

Last Name: Hndjaaadjhalli; Ng

Calls himself: Joe

Where he's from: Unknown

What he does: Unknown

Just what the hell he's saying: Unknown

Name: Pigeon; Moon

Drives: Original VW Bug

Attire: Flowered dress; boots

Glasses: Horn-rimmed

Smokes: Cloves

Reads: Auras, palms, Rumi

Instructs others on:  Desktop Feng-Shui

Religion she'll constantly remind you she participates in: Pagan

Shaves armpits: Maybe, maybe not

Scattered Species:

The Guy in the Elevator Who Nose-Whistles Louder than the Philharmonic

The Woman With The Incredibly Amazing Body and the Incredibly Hideous Face

The Guy Who Walks Backwards Down the Hall While Carrying on a Shouting Conversation With His Pal and Bumps Into You While You're Carrying Something Heavy

Tomorrow:  More of the same!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

8-14-00 - Something Old, Something New

Regular visitors:  You may notice a new link to the left.  For those of you out there who aren't familiar with the Stile Project... well, all I'll say is it's not exactly safe to visit while you're at work.  He's got a link-exchange thing going on, so I'm jumping right in.

For anyone who may have wandered over here from the Haus of Stile, welcome to Not My Desk, the only temping site on the internet that you happen to be looking at right now.

Something new:  A section called My Desk, where I am going to stick any content that's not temp-related.  Right now, there's not much there, but give me a few weeks, and then a few more, and it should be filled to the brim.  

For instance, check out a Vision of the Future.  Forget about Playstation 2, forget about Nintendo Dolphin, and definitely forget about Microsoft X-Box.  I've seen the future of home electronic gaming... and it's a vision.

Now, some old stuff.  If it's your first time here, let's jump right in with a little temp-related recap from the past few months:

Female temps:  You can get much more out of your temp jobs than just ulcers and a puny paycheck.  It's also a great source of dates.  Take a look at some potential companions you might find on your next assignment.

Ever question your purpose in life?  Ever wonder if you're making a difference?  Ever feel like you could be doing more?  I do, whenever I hear my boss dictating into his tape recorder.  (This link contains a large sound-file, so make sure your speakers are on.)

The memo from Hell.  Written by the assistant manager of a bookstore, no less, this memo may cause you to question your current belief system.  And it's real.  Also, why not check out the rest of the memo gallery while you're here?  Or a few essays?  Don't worry, Stile's poop videos will still be there when you get back.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

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