10-11-01 - News You Can Use!

Woo!  Check out the art!  Wicked!  This was created and submitted by Sarah!  Very cool.  You can click it for the full-sized version (it's really big, but worth it for all the detail).  Thanks, Sarah!

Also, sorry to Sarah, and anyone else who hasn't gotten a response to their e-mail in a prompt manner.  What can I say, I've been lazy as hell in the writing-back department.  Still, I answered about 50 or so e-mails tonight and I should have the rest replied to by the weekend.  Thanks for the patience, and for the subtle nudge given to me on the message board.  Just more evidence that my readers are turning on me.  This is what happens when a group of people don't have a common enemy (Carol Feltman, where art thou?).

In other local news, Chef from lanceandeskimo.com (whom I normally link at the top of this page) informs me that their site is down for a bit due to some server issues.  We hope they will get that sorted out soon.  If not, no pudding.  In the meantime, I'm removing their link temporarily (it'll go back when they're back), and replacing it with my good buddy Dave's new site, the highly anticipated and freshly launched piedriver.com.

Dave, I should point out, is possibly the coolest guy in the universe.  At least that's what he keeps telling me.  And, huh, I just remembered we were supposed to hang out tonight.  Whoops.  Anyway, I invite you to make up your own mind about Dave by visiting piedriver, checking out out what's there, and listening to a few tracks from his band.  And maybe send him some e-mail so he doesn't feel bad about having only one testicle.

I think that's about it!  Oh, there's one more thing.  After this assignment is over, I'm never temping again.  Ever.  Well, seeya tomorrow!

e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-10-01 - Wuv, Me

I work with this big southern guy named Todd.  Huge dude, looks like he could bench-press an elementary school.

Part of my daily responsibilities are e-mailing this guy various files.  My e-mails look something like this:

Todd-

Here's today's data, sorted by most recent info received.  The .xls file is attached.

-Chris Livingston

X500

The 'X500' means 'Extension 500', which is my phone extension.  I include this in all my e-mails because most people who work there don't really know who I am yet, and '500' is the number for the main line.  This should hopefully alert them to the fact that I'm the receptionist.

Today, our IT guy came up and told me my extension had changed.  They're re-doing the phone system, and instead of '500', the front desk extension was now simply '0'.

So, the next time I sent mail to Todd, it looked like this:

Todd-

Here's today's data, sorted by most recent info received.  The .xls file is attached.

-Chris Livingston

X0

The problem with this didn't strike me until after I sent it.  X0 looks a lot like XO, which means, basically, 'hugs & kisses.'

So!  I figure I can look forward to one of two things.  Either I'll spend my next lunch hour getting the tar pounded out of me in the parking lot by Todd, or, even worse, I'll wind up dating him.

Either way, I'd better stock up on pain killers.

e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-09-01 - Intercom 101

Do you ever find yourself in this situation?  You're visiting a place of business for some reason, either to meet with someone or deliver something.  You're walking up to the building, and there's an intercom on the wall outside the door.  A sign posted next to the intercom explains that to reach the business you are looking for, you'll need to activate the intercom and speak to someone, who will come down from the fourth floor and escort you up in the elevator.  You may enter the building and wait in the lobby until this person comes downstairs.  Of course, you don't know what any of this means because you're from outer space!  Uh-oh!  What now?

Simple!  Just follow these easy tips on how to (and how not to) use the intercom system, and a disgruntled temp will be right down to escort your lame ass up in the elevator!  Okay?

• Remember, it's an intercom, not a doorbell, and you're an adult, not a hyperactive child.  Just push it once and wait a moment.  Just because YOU can't hear the buzzer through four stories of brick, doesn't mean it's not going off!  Probably in some temp's ear!

• On that note, no matter how many times you press the button in rapid succession, a food pellet will not appear.  You may indeed have many things in common with a rodent, but even a cocaine-addicted lab rat would have stopped hammering on it by now!

• You might not realize this, but the temp can't SEE YOU through the intercom system!  It's audio only!  So, you may be required to SPEAK INTO IT at some point, instead of just standing there waving or whatever the hell you're silently doing down there!

• Employees -- We realize that you sometimes forget your access cards, and need to be escorted upstairs.  But don't just press the button and then walk into the building to wait for the temp.  Remember, while you're standing inside, the temp is screaming through the intercom, asking who you are!  But you can't hear him, because you're already inside!  Do you see?  Do you see the problem?  Do you?

• The intercom button activates a shrill buzzer.  That's what the button does.  Therefore, don't HOLD DOWN THE BUTTON while you're TRYING TO TALK TO THE TEMP.  It makes it IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO HEAR YOU OVER THE BUZZER.  If you're buzzing while you're talking, all he gets from you is "Hi, th-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-ng?"  Just press it ONCE, then speak normally.  OKAY?  WE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE HERE?

• The intercom is also not a telephone.  Don't ask something like "Is Jim there?"  The temp has no idea what to say when you ask that.  "Yes he is, shall I put him on the intercom?"

• Maybe this is foolish, but if you've used the intercom, and you're waiting for them temp to come down, it might be, well, considerate if you don't ride up with someone else in the meantime.  After all, the temp is running his short little legs down the stairs to come get you!  And he tires easily!  Maybe you could wait for him!  Because if he doesn't see you in the lobby, he'll wander around looking for you for a while, not knowing you've gone up with someone else.  This makes him sad.

• When you press the button, your DNA is not transported up to a computer that will tell the temp who you are.  I know it's hard to believe this, and I hate to keep harping on it, but you'll actually have to remember your name, and say it into the intercom.  Good luck!

e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

10-08-01 - Mailbag

Man, the readers of this site are gettin' damn uppity.  That, or they've realized the best way to get quoted is by insulting me. Took 'em long enough.

This e-mail comes from a scamp named James, in regard to Friday's update, when I decided to become rich and famous:

Are you good looking?

Do you have a job that pays lots of money?

Are you likely to be starring in a: a movie b: a tv show c: your own Cd?

Have you committed some sort of henious crime / act of terror? Have you won a lottery?

Since I suspect the answer to all of the above is no do you really think your going to be rich and famous anytime soon?

I mean geez even Will Wheaton was in a TV show................

But as my old dad used to say 'keep dreaming slugger'

-James

First of all James, you maggot, you and your old dad can smooch my unknown white butt.  Who ever heard of 'starring' in a CD, anyway?  Sheesh.  And save some ellipses for the rest of us, willya?

Second, you're correct.  (And sorry I called you a maggot and mentioned my butt.  I know your e-mail is all in good fun.  Probably.)

(Weasel.)

No, I don't have looks, my jobs don't pay dick, I don't 'star' in anything but this self-produced, relatively obscure, and extremely repetitive website, and while I've committed several heinous crimes, I've never been convicted of any of them.  (Someone always comes along and steals my thunder -- thanks a lot, John DeLorean!!!)  As for the lottery, well, I could go win one of those anytime I want, but fame and riches shouldn't come that easily, lest the resultant power be wielded by those who did not exhibit the discipline to attain it, with disastrous results (a lesson well learned in the film Jurassic Park).

Despite all that, I will become rich and famous, and very soon at that.  See, I have a plan.   The details?  Pfft!  I'm not gonna just reveal them, and let someone steal them and become rich and famous before I can.  I will, however, reveal the code name for the plan:

Yes.  7:F is my key to riches and fame beyond my wildest dreams, and certainly beyond yours, James.  Although my baiting of Wil Wheaton all last week was horribly unsuccessful, soon he'll be pounding at my door, begging me to hang out with him.

(And since I've been such a dork about the guy, I might as well finally mention his website, wilwheaton.net.  Go check it out, it's full of Wheatony goodness!)

But back to me.  And 7:F.  It will make me rich, and famous, and if you think I'm kidding, well, soon I'll be the one laughing, through a mouthful of CA$H!!!  7:F is a groundbreaking idea, and I guarantee it will be unlike anything you've seen on the internet in the past few days.  I plan to roll it out in a couple weeks, unless I forget!  Stay tuned!

Speaking of fame, in addition to the interview I gave over at zomp's site, I also did one with Drusilla, who put it in the very first issue of her writing 'zine, Phoenix Forum!  It was a lot of fun.  For information on writing for or subscribing to her 'zine, check out her site right here.  Thanks, Dru!

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Now, for the real reason you're here:  Diversions!  First, a dialect translator called Whoohoo!  It's pretty neat.  And, from the makers of Guess the Dictator or TV Character, it's Guess the TV Show or Movie Name!  Lotsa fun trying to stump it.  Links are on the soon-to-be world famous sidebar.

Last Week on Not My Desk

e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com