{"id":57,"date":"2011-04-06T12:55:22","date_gmt":"2011-04-06T20:55:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/?p=57"},"modified":"2012-06-11T22:05:39","modified_gmt":"2012-06-12T06:05:39","slug":"the-cloned-cavemen-of-future-brooklyn-the-movie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/screencuisine\/video-games\/the-cloned-cavemen-of-future-brooklyn-the-movie\/","title":{"rendered":"The Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie"},"content":{"rendered":"

(The following post originally appeared on my old gaming blog, The First-Person Shouter)<\/em><\/p>\n

If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn<\/a>. [Edit: it’s now called Drug Wars<\/em>.] Here are some excepts from the game’s description:<\/p>\n

In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level to rise and engulf the streets of Brooklyn. The land is gone, but society rebuilds the city on top of existing structures, connecting buildings through a network of sky bridges…<\/p>\n
To meet the upper city’s demand for laborers, city leaders contract the Brooklyn Institute of Technology (B.I.T.) to clone a new working class…. Neanderthals were chosen as the main focus of the research based on their physical resilience. The city’s contract called for far more Neanderthal clones than were required, causing the excess and sub-standard Neo-Neanderthals to be discarded to the dregs of the city…<\/p>\n
…You take the role of an elite Neanderthal fighter with a taste for blood. Having had your arm unwillingly detached from your body courtesy of a chainsaw, your new prototype biomechanical arm transforms into different twisted and brutal weaponry to aid you in the slaughter…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
That is quite simply the most awesome description of a game I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare check out the game itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that description. I can’t look at screenshots or videos or read reviews or anything that might take away from the perfect concept of cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter what the game actually is, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.<\/p>\n
But I want to do something with this game, so, I’m going to take the only logical step left: I’m going to write a screenplay for the movie adaptation of Merchants of Brooklyn.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And here it is:<\/p>\n
THE CLONED CAVEMEN OF FUTURE BROOKLYN<\/strong><\/span>
\nBased on the description of the video game “Merchants of Brooklyn”
\nAdapted for film by Christopher Livingston<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/span><\/p>\n
FADE IN:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
EXT. BROOKLYN, NY: 3100 A.D.<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
We see Brooklyn, NY, half-submerged in water. A large, bulky figure stands with his back to us, staring out over the water.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
VOICE OVER<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
My name? Caveman. Jake Caveman. This is Brooklyn. In the year 3100.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
He turns and we see that he is a caveman. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
VOICE OVER<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You must be wondering why. Why is there a caveman in the future. I’m starting to wonder myself…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes, and we:
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
DISSOLVE TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
INT. PENTHOUSE<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
CAPTION: ONE YEAR AGO
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window of his penthouse atop a skyscraper. He peers down at Brooklyn.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
My beloved city, Brooklyn, of which I am the President. And it’s covered in water.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
A SCIENTIST enters the penthouse.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Mr. President? You have to make a decision, sir.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Fine. What are my options?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Well, due to global warming, Brooklyn is covered in water. We should abandon it.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
No one is abandoning Brooklyn. Not on my watch.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The other option would be to build on top of the existing buildings, and connect the new buildings with a network of sky bridges.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Sold. But who will undertake such dangerous work? We can’t risk the lives of the rich and greedy by making them build dangerous sky bridges.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I would suggest we have robots do it.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Robots? That will never work. Robots are useless. What kind of scientist are you, anyway?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Okay… How about we clone cavemen and make them do it?
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
To the lab!
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
INT. ARENA<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN is fighting another caveman in an arena. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
VOICE OVER<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
By day, I build networks of sky bridges, like all the other cavemen. By night, I make extra money by fighting in the arena, like all the other cavemen.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN kills the other caveman, and the audience, all cavemen, cheer.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
VOICE OVER<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The more caveman I kill, the further I feel from the Neolithic Period. But why? What led to this?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes and we:
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
DISSOLVE TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
INT. PENTHOUSE<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
CAPTION: THREE MONTHS AFTER ONE YEAR AGO
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
How is the network of sky bridges coming along?
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Incredibly well. As I suspected, cavemen are extremely adept at building networks of sky bridges.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
So, no problems?
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Well, we did have a setback. One caveman had his arm cut off with a chainsaw.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN slams his fists down on his desk.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Dammit! We were so close to making this work.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
It’s okay, we have, like, thousands of spare cavemen. Too many, really. We’ll just get rid of him and replace him with one of the many, many extra cavemen we have.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Not on my watch. I want that caveman fixed and back to work tomorrow. Give him a new robot arm that turns into different weapons.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Whuh, why… why does the arm need to turn into weapons? He’s just a caveman who is helping build a network of
\nsky bridges.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Just do it!!
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I thought you didn’t even like robots.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
INT. JAKE CAVEMAN’S APARTMENT
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN is making love to FAITH CAVEMAN, a sexy caveman woman.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
FAITH CAVEMAN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Oh, Jake… you’re not like all the other cavemen.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You mean because of my robot arm that turns into different weapons?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
FAITH CAVEMAN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
No… it’s the way you keep having flashbacks about the President that you weren’t even there to witness.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Suddenly, a pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers bursts into the apartment, brandishing handkerchiefs and cups of tea. JAKE CAVEMAN’s arm turns into a gatling laser gun and he kills the entire pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
FAITH CAVEMAN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Oh, Jake! You were so brave when you killed all those 16th Century Tudor Courtiers. They’re everywhere these days. But where are they all coming from?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’s eyes.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
FAITH CAVEMAN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
See, you’re doing it again.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
DISSOLVE TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
INT. PENTHOUSE<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
CAPTION: THREE WEEKS AFTER FOUR MONTHS BEFORE A FEW DAYS AGO
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Sir, we have a problem. The cavemen have stopped working on the networks of sky bridges and are spending all their time doing battle with thousands of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers that are suddenly everywhere.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Yes… so much violence… but I’m afraid it’s necessary.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Sir… do you… do you know something about all these 16th Century Tudor Courtiers?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I cloned them. I cloned… all of them.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You… you madman! You used my caveman cloning research, didn’t you? My scientific research on
\nhow to clone cavemen and make them build networks of sky bridges, and you used it to clone 16th Century Tudor Courtiers and make them fight the cavemen? But why? For what purpose?
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You couldn’t understand. Only… only the President of a sinking city could understand.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I’m shutting it down. All of it! This madness ends here!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN draws a pistol from his jacket.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I’m afraid I can’t allow that.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
SCIENTIST
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
No… no!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN pulls the trigger.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
DISSOLVE TO:<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
EXT. TOP OF HIGHEST SKY BRIDGE<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN is standing on the top of the highest sky bridge in Brooklyn. He looks down at his half-submerged, war-torn city, and grins bitterly.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I thought it was about time we met.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
From the shadows, JAKE CAVEMEN steps into view. His robot arm is in the shape of a spiked electro-nunchuck.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I just want to know why. Why cavemen. Why sky bridges. Why everything.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
I suppose you’re going to kill me now.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
The thought had crossed my mind.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN lunges. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN spins around and fires a shot from his gun. JAKE CAVEMAN collapses onto the top of the sky bridge.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You fool. What hope could you possibly have of understanding this. You’re just a caveman.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN, bloodied and weak, turns his robot arm into a steam-powered cat-o-nine-tails, but THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN shoots the robot arm and it breaks.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
Did you think I’d forgotten about your robot arm that can turn into different weapons? Did you really think
\nI’d forget that?
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
You did… forget… one thing…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
And what’s that?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
That I have… another… arm.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN swings his normal arm around and knocks THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN off the edge of the sky bridge. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN manages to grab onto one of the sky bridge thingies that juts out, and hangs there by one hand.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
My mother always said one day I’d be killed by a caveman on a sky bridge.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
He falls hundreds of stories into the water where he is impaled on the pointy part of an old building that is just sticking up out of the water. The building explodes.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
JAKE CAVEMAN
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
That’s gotta hurt.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
A horribly shitty rap soundtrack starts playing.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
THE END<\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(The following post originally appeared on my old gaming blog, The First-Person Shouter) If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn. [Edit: it’s now called Drug Wars.] Here are some excepts from the game’s description: In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,5],"tags":[587],"class_list":["post-57","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-movies","category-video-games","tag-video-game-movie-scripts","section-blog","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=57"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=57"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=57"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=57"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}