{"id":124,"date":"2010-08-03T08:23:53","date_gmt":"2010-08-03T15:23:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.firstpersonobserver.com\/?p=124"},"modified":"2012-06-12T16:13:23","modified_gmt":"2012-06-13T00:13:23","slug":"businessman-beginning-to-regret-opening-hotel-in-limbo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/firstpersonobserver\/lifestyle\/businessman-beginning-to-regret-opening-hotel-in-limbo\/","title":{"rendered":"Businessman Beginning to Regret Opening Hotel in Limbo"},"content":{"rendered":"

Limbo — <\/strong>The owner of the historic Limbo Hotel is beginning to regret opening the establishment in the dark, shadowy netherworld whose only inhabitants are giant spiders, glowing headworms, and creepy, homicidal children.<\/p>\n

The hotel, which opened eons ago, has yet to attract its first overnight guest, despite featuring dozens of dark, unsettling rooms, haunted minibars, a spacious pool filled with spikes, and free HBO. The owner, Conrad Milton, says he was warned against opening the establishment in the bleak dimension between life and death, but was lured in by the inexpensive real estate and lack of competition.<\/p>\n

“I figured even if there wasn’t much demand for a hotel in Limbo, by being the only hotel around I’d get 100% of the business,” Milton said. “It’s been centuries, though, and I still haven’t had any guests. I’m beginning to realize that 100% of zero is zero.”<\/p>\n

While there are numerous potential guests in Limbo, most find themselves slaughtered, eaten, smashed into paste or drowned before they can reach the hotel.<\/p>\n

“I saw someone approaching a few hundred years ago, and I thought he might check in, but just as he got close, a headworm burrowed into his skull and he turned around and started walking in the other direction. I never saw him again.”<\/p>\n

“Damn headworms,” he added.<\/p>\n

The location of Milton’s hotel is an issue for his employees as well.<\/p>\n

“It’s definitely hard finding help,” Milton said. “I hired a maid at one point, but she went outside on a smoke break and was ground into pulp by some giant gears. And my lobby clerk quit after complaining of all the bear traps, water pits, and psychotic children along his route into work. I admit, it’s a rough commute.”<\/p>\n

“There was a little boy with glowing eyes who passed through a few days ago,” Milton continued, “but all he did was trash my giant buzzing electric hotel sign. He didn’t check in or even inquire about our rates or amenities.”<\/p>\n

“I doubt he had a major credit card anyway,” he added glumly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"