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12-1-00 - Movie Tragic

I'm running a spinnwebe banner up top, because spinn is starting a new feature today, called brainshots.  It'll be updated every Monday through Saturday, and if he ever misses a day, you should all send him angry e-mails.  Actually, it looks like it'll be a lot of fun, so get over there and check it out out every Mon-Sat!

You know what I like to do with all my free time?  Rent movies.  I love renting movies, a whole big stack of them, and I think a lot of other people do too (TIP:  for added fun, try watching the movies you rent!).  Anyhoo, when I need some ideas of what to rent, I head over to the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com) and browse around.

Imdb also has a 'goofs' section, where they point out factual errors and continuity gaffes in particular films.  I was looking over the goofs for the movie Jaws, when I saw this one:

Factual errors: It has been proven that great white sharks do not eat people. People are attacked when sharks mistake them for preferred prey, mainly seals. Humans, possibly tasting unpleasant to sharks, are almost always released by sharks.

And you know what?  That is an error.  A big one.  How could they screw up so badly?  I think Spielberg should re-edit the film to correct this enormous blunder.  Sure, there's nothing too exciting about a safe, fun, and altogether pleasant weekend at the beach while a great white shark cruises offshore, ignoring everyone, but at least it will be factually correct.

Since these goofs are submitted by readers of the site, I thought I'd contribute some of my own.  Some big movie goofs I hope get corrected someday:

Toy Story: Toys can't talk and move of their own accord.  They are composed of lifeless plastic and other manufactured materials, and any movement or emitted sounds generally come from battery powered mechanisms.

Superman:  An alien being who looks just like a man, but has superhuman powers of flight, invulnerability, x-ray/heat vision, and super-strong breath and hearing?  Sheeah!  Right!

Twelve Angry Men:  Some of them were downright level-headed!  Come on, Hollywood, let's be more careful!

The Hunt for Red October:  It is highly doubtful that the Soviet Union would entrust their prototype silent submarine to a Scotsman with a speech impediment.  Nice try!

Blazing Saddles:  Oh, there are so many historical inaccuracies in this "Western" I can't even count them all.  Mel Brooks, shame on you!

101 Dalmatians:  In their hurry to create all those dogs, the animators seem to have forgotten to draw the 101 ENORMOUS MOUNDS OF STEAMING TURDS.

Anything Starring Bill Paxton:  You want to put Bill Paxton in your film?  Fine.  But don't make the common mistake of listing his name with the other actors.  He is quite clearly a prop.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

11-29-00 - Strike a Pose

Do you have a face or an arm?  Is your body made up of bones and organs and flesh?  Have you ever looked at stuff?

If so, you might be a candidate for modeling!

No, not underwear modeling, silly!  That would be horribly, horribly wrong.  I mean, just look at your thighs, fer cryin' out loud.

I'm talking about temp agency modeling!  It's the hottest new career hitting the web!

The call is going out across the nation for models to appear on temp agency websites.  Do YOU have what it takes?

Lesson One:  Hold A Phone Against Your Head!

Don't forget to smile!  Also, you should learn which end goes near your ear and which goes near your mouth.  From these pictures, it would appear that the end with the cord goes near your mouth, but you may want to check with your pharmacist or another professional to be sure!  Note:  they may need you to hold the phone against EITHER side of your head!  Be prepared!

Lesson Two:  Get Someone To Look Over Your Shoulder!

This is an important one.  These types of pictures will inspire a bit of dialogue in the viewer's head, kind of an imaginary exchange between you and the person looking over your shoulder, such as:

Bob:  Say, Mary, what exactly is this I'm looking at?

Mary:  Well, Bob, that's a computer monitor.

Bob:  I see, Mary... and what is this?

Mary:  That's still the monitor, Bob.

Advanced models only:  Sometimes, more than one person may be called in to lean over your shoulder and look at something.  This person may sit next to you, or lean over you towards the other person who is looking over your shoulder.  Having two shoulders (or even three!) will improve your chances for securing this type of work.

Lesson Three:  Stand Near a Sitting Old Guy

In these types of photos you should find an aging gentleman, and stand near him.  This will indicate that he is your boss or employer, and you are somehow working for him by standing in his vicinity.

He will look pleased, as shown above.  You should look pleased too.  This indicates a healthy working relationship, and inspires more imaginary dialogue.

Sylvia:  Good Morning, Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson:  Good morning, Sylvia.  It pleases me to greet you while I sit here.

Sylvia:  I am pleased as well, in a healthy professional way, as indicated by clasping my hands in front of my crotch.

Mr. Thompson:  Thank you!

As much fun as this is, you will soon need to get to "work", by holding something in front of him, so he may frown thoughtfully at it.

As shown, the boss or employer is pretending to mull this over.  If this were a real work situation, he would be wondering if he can still make his tee time, but this is just the "photo shoot" so he's probably wondering what you've got on under that blouse.  While he does this, you will need to stare at his head, pretending to wait for him to pretend to make a decision.

Uh-oh!  A third person may be called in to sit near you with the boss or employer!  This will require you to gesture in some manner, and perhaps even look at the other person.  Remember to gesture with your HANDS, as gesturing with your feet can be awkward and upsetting.

Lesson Four:  Represent a Healthy Cross-Section of Genders and Races!

Are you a man or a woman?  Do you have a race or nationality?  Are you a certain age?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you may just be what a budding young temp agency is looking for!  Good luck with that!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

11-28-00 - Dream Weiner

I dozed off last night around 6pm, and woke up at 2am after having the really weird dream.  I wouldn't even mention it, but it was heavy with blatant symbolism.

In my dream, I was flying around through dark skies for a really long time.  I decided I wanted to show someone that I could fly, because what fun is it to have a cool power like flying if you can't rub it in other people's faces?

I saw an old woman down on the street, landed, and walked over to her.  I asked her if she wanted to "see a secret", and she said yes.  So, I jumped up into the air, and flew around. She started criticizing me, telling me I looked silly.  She wasn't even impressed or envious, so I left.

I flew over to a mall, knowing I'd find some people who had lower standards, but the mall turned out to be a huge maze of cubicles which were made out of what looked like old cars from the 50's and Formica kitchen table tops and other strange, interesting materials.  I quickly become lost.

I flew up towards the sky, but the clouds stopped me.  I hovered there, clawing madly at them, but soon realized they weren't clouds at all, just some cottony substance that covered the black ceiling.

I wanted to fly again, but for some reason I had to organize all these old 45 RPM records that had come out of their paper slip cases.  The records didn't seem to match the cases and it was confusing.  Death appeared, black robes and scythe and all, and told me I was wasting my life by organizing these records.  I woke up.

Now, I don't normally put much stock in dreams as having meaning or relevance to waking life, but I think this one has some important, symbolic points to it.

Flying:  I always hear that flying in dreams represents obtaining goals or achieving freedom, or perhaps recognizing some special talent, but in this case I think it means that I really want to be able to fly.  That would kick total ass.  I'd never have to take the bus and I could stop entering car-giveaways.

Being Criticized by the Older Woman:  Old people are cranky.  Big mystery.

Being Hopelessly Lost in the Cubicles:  The cubicles I wind up working in are nowhere near as cool as the ones in my dream.  I'd love to have a cubicle made of car parts.  I think this part of the dream means I should keep on temping!!

Sky is Really the Ceiling:  There's some weird gunk oozing out of my bathroom ceiling.  I think about it a lot and wonder if it's toxic and making all my hair fall out.  I'm sure this is what that represents.

Being Distracted by Stupid, Meaningless Tasks:  I don't have any old 45's, but my old issues of Dog Fancy magazine are kind of disorganized.  I was going to donate clothing today, or enroll in a class or call my loved ones, but I think I'd better get those magazines in order!  Thanks, dream!

Death Bluntly Informing me That I'm Wasting My Life:  Beats me.  I think it might have something to do with all those microwave Beef-N-Been burritos I ate before falling asleep.  I should probably just stick with the Been-N-Cheez.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

11-27-00 - The Good, The Bad, and the Itchy

Bumming a cigarette off a guy on the street?  $0.

Eating a can of beans left in the cupboard by the previous tenant?  $0.

Watching Mexican soap operas on the only channel that comes in clearly over the antenna?  $0.

Total income from not working a lick for the past month?  $0.

Not having to get out of bed until 5pm?  Priceless.

Yep.  Still not working.  Still enjoying it.

Time is running out, though, because I'm getting a little bored and could use some extra dough for the holidays, so I think I'll soon be updating the resume and getting back into this whole "working" thing. 

The bad and the good of going back to work?

People:

Bad:  I will have to listen to them and do what they tell me.

Good:  I only have to pretend to listen to them, leaving "what they tell me" open to a high degree of interpretation.

Commuting:

Bad:  The longest trip I've taken in the past 3 days was the walk from my bed to my computer, a distance of approximately 36 inches.  Most businesses are further away than this.

Good:  Since I've been finding a need to sit down for a few minutes between the desk and the bed, I could probably use the exercise.

Being Up During the Day:

Bad: The big, glowing, yellow circle in sky.  Circle bad!

Good:  It's hard to get a decent lunch at 3:46am.

Clothing:

Bad:  I'll have to iron my shirts, wash my clothes regularly, and carefully consider what I wear each and every day.

Good:  Now that I think about it, I don't even do those things when I am working.

Being a Phony Jerk

Bad:  Laughing at things I don't find funny.

Really Bad:  I've gotten quite good at it.

Remembering my Full Name

Bad:  Remembering stuff is hard.

Good:  My name is printed on a lot of things around here, such as eviction notices, and it's often screamed into my answering machine by bill collectors.

Scratching:  

Bad:  I will no longer be able to scratch what I want, with what I want, when I want, where I want, for as long as I want.

Good:  Since I'll be bathing daily, I might not need to scratch so much, so long, so vigorously, and so often.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com

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